Looking Back on 2009

This is one year that I am actually glad to see GO. I don't mean to sound so negative because the year 2009 has brought some wonderful opportunities into my life, but it was a treacherous road to travel. Ringing in the New Year for '09 was probably one my fondest memories, because I had my sweet Allie by my side. She was never expected to live even one day, but yet she lived for days, weeks, months, and surprisingly stuck it out to see a new year dawn. It was shortly after the New Year when '09 took a turn for the worse.




We lost our Allie on January 14th, 2009 and have struggled to regain our balance ever since. Most of this year was spent putting on fake smiles and pushing through the pain of getting out of bed every morning. Moments of laughter fell few and far between and was something that only a few could find in us, and how thankful we were for those moments. The approach of Holidays, which are thought of as joyful, were things that were dreaded for us because we knew they would be spent in tears. Tears that called out for mercy. Tears that pleaded for the pain to be taken away and for our daughter to be back in our arms. Therefore, when I look back on the year 2009 the following things will probably be what I remember most.

2009 was...

The year that I lost my daughter.
A year filled with sadness.
The first time I had to celebrate holidays missing one of my children.
When I threw a one year old birthday party without the guest of honor.
The year that my son had to learn many tough lessons about life and death.
The year I started blogging.
When my faith was shaken.
The year I grew closer to God and my family.
Mason's first (of probably many) E.R. visits for staples.
Michael's first time to be put to sleep for a procedure.
The time I had to say a speech on my daughter's behalf.
The year I helped raise awareness for Trisomy 18.
When Mason first became obsessed with the Blue Angels Jets.
A time that I learned what NOT to say to someone that has lost a loved one :)
When I witnessed how ONE person could make a difference in others' lives.
The time I discovered what a great community of family and friends I have.
When Michael and Mason both lost their first dog.
AND
The year that I realized how bad a mother's heart and arms could ache for her child.




I thank you all for your love and support, and I hope that the year 2010 is a good one for everyone. Sending you lots of love :)

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Christmas '09

Well, our emotions for Christmas follwed pretty much what we expected. I only included one picture of me in the photo slide show because my eyes were so red and swollen. Michael and I did our best to give Mason the "normal" Christmas morning that he deserved, but all of our emotions were too strong to keep inside so he witnessed us crying several times throughout the day. He, of course, could sense that we were upset about missing Allie and talked about her some, but I think for the most part he had a good Christmas. We did have to tell him some sad news the next day. His first dog, Dorie, was killed by a car on Christmas. It doesn't matter how old you are, it is always tough losing your first dog (it was Michael's first dog too). I think our emotions were worse under the given circumstances. We pushed through and survived though. I know that with time the holidays will come easier, but they'll never be the same.

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If I'd Only Known...

Dear Allie,
If I'd only known that this date last year would be your last birthday party, then I would have thrown a parade in your honor for the whole world to see.

If I'd only known that your first Christmas would also be your last Christmas, then I would have given you the North Pole.

If I'd only known that you would enter Heaven shortly after you entered a New Year, then I would have invited the President to meet the most amazing, precious, beautiful, adorable baby that ever existed.

If I'd only known that these would be my final moments to get my last photos of you, then I would have taken over a billion pictures and videoed every second of your life.

If I'd only known that I had less than a month to kiss you, then I would have kissed you without ceasing.

If I'd only known that you would soon be leaving my arms to be in the arms of Jesus, then I would have found a way to stop time so that I could hold you forever.

If I'd only known.

Love,
Mommy



It's been an emotional day today. Michael even tried getting me out of the house some to help, but unfortunately it didn't. My mind continued to drift away into the world of "what ifs", and my heart just ached. That horrible pain in the pit of my stomach was back and didn't want to leave. I wish she was here, because the holidays are not the same without her. There is an empty space under the tree where her presents should be, and a hole in our hearts that can never be filled. I did finally get my tree up, and I am glad that I did, because all of her ornaments and cherished treasures were too precious to keep hidden away in storage. It hurts some, but for the most part I do enjoy catching a glimpse of them from time to time. I apologize for being so gloomy today, but it was just one of those days that caught me by surprise. I knew from the moment I woke up, and didn't want to get out of bed, that it was going to be a tough one, and the day progressively worsened. I was uncontrollably sobbing by breakfast time, and I had many more to follow. I still count my blessings even though I have a tough day every now and then, because I cannot be more thankful for God giving me the blessing of actually having those precious memories and cherished treasures of her first Christmas. I hope all of your Holidays are filled with blessings as well.


P.S.
I finally added Mason's 4th Birthday photos to his birthday post. Just scroll back down a couple of posts and enjoy :)

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Mason's 1st School Program

Oh, my 'Little Man' is getting too big on me. Last night he had his first school program, and my heart just melted. I was a little nervous going in because he has never done anything in front of an audience any larger than us, but he made us so proud. He did so well, and the program was PRECIOUS! We were amazed at how well all of the little kidos did. They sang a few Christmas songs, recited some Bible verses, and even did some signs along with one. They all looked so adorable. Mason looked so growny walking in his little line and standing up on stage :) I am going to have to find something that keeps my eyelids pried open. I'm too scared to blink because time seems to be flying by at warp speed. Here are a few, well okay a little more than a few, photos of Mason's 1st school program :)

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Happy 4th Birthday Little Man!

My Little Man turned 4 today. Oh how fast the time has flown. We decided to do things a little different this year. We just wanted to have a good time and take our minds off of other things for a while. Boy, did we have a good time! We rented a jump place, and I think the adults had just as much fun as the kids :) I really think Mason had the time of his life. After he had his fill of the bouncers and slides, he played foam stick hockey with some others and was in his element. For any that know him, they know that he is OBSESSED (without any help from us) with ANY kind of sport. He has been playing with all different kinds of sports since he was a year old. At his 1st birthday he was kicking a soccer ball up and down the hill in our back yard :) And that seems like yesterday. The Lord has blessed me with the sweetest most precious little boy he could find, and I am so thankful to have him as my son. Happy 4th Birthday Little Man! We love you.

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Bitter Sweet Moments

I am usually not one to procrastinate about things (I tend to leave that up to my husband because he is reeeeeeally good at it) :), but I have found myself doing exactly that this holiday season. For instance, my tree is usually up the day after Thanksgiving, but not this year. It has been like pulling teeth trying to decorate for Christmas. Michael and I were fully expecting the holidays to be tough, and Thanksgiving was our first set back. We held it together the best we could for all of the family gatherings, knowing good and well we were both dying inside, but wound up falling apart the week after. From there it only got worse. It didn't help that during all of these emotional valleys Mason had to be rushed to the E.R. to get staples in the top of his head due to a fall at daycare (which he got out today), I came down with bronchitis, and Michael discovered that he will need surgery to remove a cyst. It kind of felt like a "pile on" and I allowed myself to believe it also. The devil had me wrapped around his little finger again, and I have since been fighting hard to break loose from his grip. For some reason bad thoughts continue to seep through the cracks from time to time, even though I know how blessed I am. It is quite difficult to hold back all the thoughts of "what could have beens..." that are running through my head. We created some very precious memories last year with our Little Allie, and I am so grateful for those memories, but I also cannot stop longing to still have her with us this year. My head is filled with thoughts of how things "should" be: I should be Christmas shopping for two babies, I should have a little full of life one year old running around, I should be trying to keep all of the decorations out of reach, My house should be full of giggles and laughter of siblings playing (and a little fussing too), I should be buying coordinating Christmas outfits for Christmas card photos, I should...., I should..., I should..., but I'm not. Memories of last year have intensified these feelings, because who could have known that at Mason's birthday party last year we were only going to have a month left with our precious Angel. I tried to live every moment like it was her last, but you always feel like you could have done more. Needless to say, I have a bad case of the Holiday Blues, and my procrastination is because I know that pulling out all of those cherished treasures we created last year (that I'm so blessed to have) will be painful to see as well.

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