tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-71738022898178663792024-03-05T09:02:03.559-06:00Standing on FaithSusan and Michaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08110118305057431391noreply@blogger.comBlogger70125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7173802289817866379.post-18119446155330565732014-01-14T07:31:00.002-06:002014-01-14T07:31:13.106-06:00A broken shell<h2>
Depression:</h2>
Definition (just my personal thoughts): That ache in the pit of your stomach that you wake up with every day for the rest of your life after witnessing your child suffer and then leave the physical world.<br />
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I know there are some that feel losing a child at such a young age would not be as hard as losing a child that is older. I can understand this thinking, because the longer you have with someone the more attached you grow to them, and it gets harder to say goodbye. Let me ask this question though, could you have said goodbye to your almost 5 month old child? It's painful at every age. It has been 5 years since I had to let her go, and I still feel the pain of her loss. This pain will never go away. I have to adapt to this new me. I have an introverted personality, and I like to keep to myself when I'm dealing with issues. I don't like announcing to the world that I'm struggling, and that most days I feel like an egg. I do my best to show this perfect outer shell to the rest of the world (to appear that I'm ok), but in reality if my outer shell were broken, then the horrible, raw, gooey stuff would ooze out. It feels so fragile most days. I wish it were something that I could control, but it is not. It has been 5 years and I'm not sitting and moping about it every second, but that feeling still remains. Some turn to drugs, or alcohol, or other things to get rid of it. I turn to junk food :) I know that it is only temporary and that it will give me health problems later, but at the moment I just want it to stop and I want to replace that sad feeling inside with something that is going to make me feel warm and fuzzy inside (and sweets always make me feel warm and fuzzy inside). There are also days that I just don't want to get out of bed, and then I feel guilty for losing precious time with my other blessings. They help me so much! I hate that my life took that turn. I feel like it has caused me to be a horrible mother, wife, and Christian most days. I hope I get credit for effort :) Sorry that this post seems so negative, but it is one of the few times a year that I allow myself to vent and hopefully help someone else that may be able to relate to the situation. I'm missing my Allie, especially today! This is one of those times when 5 years feels like an eternity. Can't wait to see her again! <br />
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Susan and Michaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08110118305057431391noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7173802289817866379.post-41323563196696344452013-08-08T21:57:00.002-05:002013-08-08T21:57:54.677-05:00Unexpected BlessingsIt amazes me to witness a plan take place that was not your intention, but you later discover that it was always part of God's intention. This is how I feel about our newest addition to the family, Ella Grace Brewer. I have to be honest...when I first found out I was pregnant with her, I cried for weeks! However, I was not crying for the reasons that most would be crying. I'm not sure if this is something that all parents experience after losing a child or not, but after losing Allie, Michael and I turned into extremely panicky parents. I mean, we can easily freak out over a wart or something. We really have to fight the urge to keep them in protective bubbles that are permanently attached to us so that we know they are always safe...LOL. So, where most would immediately start thinking of all the inconveniences that come along with having ANOTHER child, our minds immediately go to all of the things that can go wrong with the pregnancy or birth that would cause us to lose the child. The worry and fear is so intense and overwhelming that it feels almost unbearable. It is a big struggle for me to find that faith that I once had. Satan definitely found my weakness. God continues to give me opportunities to build my faith again, though :) We did not "plan" to add another child to our family, and at first I was so consumed with the worries that I couldn't see the bigger picture. I believe God sent Ella to us, because it was perfect timing. A few months back when many mothers' eyes were filled with tears because they were registering their baby for Kindergarten, mine were filled with tears because I knew of one that should have been registering this year but would never get the chance. Had she have still been with us, my Little Allie would have been starting Kindergarten this year on her 5th birthday! Can't believe she would have already been five years old! He KNEW this was going to be an emotional summer and starting of school for us, and I really believe that He sent us another little angel to add some extra happiness to help us through. Allie's new baby sister has been just the little spark this family has needed. Mason helped us survive, Reese brought us back to life, and Ella has added happiness. I'm feeling very blessed and thankful for those unexpected blessings! <br />
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Susan and Michaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08110118305057431391noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7173802289817866379.post-51331456689508922112013-01-13T23:11:00.000-06:002013-01-13T23:11:57.945-06:00Just a DateJanuary 14th...Just another ordinary day to most, but it is a date that sends daggers straight to my heart. It is amazing how just a date on the calendar can bring you to your knees, but that is exactly what this date does to me. It just holds too many painful memories for me, and every year when it rolls around it just reminds me of how hard it was to say goodbye to that precious little angel. Allie's final days were tough to witness, and it is not how I like to remember her. But, for some reason on this date, my mind takes me right back to those last moments in that hospital room. It is like I can block them out all year long, but when January hits my <span style="background-color: white;">barrier</span> crumbles. Everything about this time of year causes those memories to flood my mind. <br />
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Losing Allie was the most difficult task I've ever had to face, and it completely changed me. It left me feeling depressed and hopeless, and I still struggle to find that spark that I once had. As tough as it is to deal with, I have to find a way to keep going. So, how do you do it? How do you keep the strength to hold onto life? Well, I have two blessings on Earth that need me and one more on the way, so that is a big part of what keeps me going. Many, many, many prayers is another. Holding on to the happy memories that we shared with Allie is a huge help as well. I love thinking about her in Heaven and imagining what she might be doing at this age and stage of her life. Is it similar to what she would like to do on Earth at her age? I like to think that she plays a big part in our lives still. I wonder if she had anything to do with our new little, surprise, blessing on the way? She's probably laughing about that one. :) She would have been starting Kindergarten in the Fall, so I like to think she sent me a bundle of joy to keep my mind occupied. Who knows? <br />
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So, this is the battle in my everyday life...Let this horrible depression take me down and keep me in bed all day long, or dig deep to find happiness that I can hold onto to get me through one more day. Even though dates like this are tough, and they bring up a lot of bad memories that I don't like to think about, I can still find happiness in her story. It's just a date, and you can't appreciate the good without the bad, right? That depression still kicks my tail some days, but I like to think that I'm doing well.<br />
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Thinking of you today and always, Allie! Sending some extra butterfly kisses your way. I love you and miss you. <br />
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Susan and Michaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08110118305057431391noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7173802289817866379.post-79169383246194536952012-08-19T00:46:00.000-05:002012-08-19T00:46:06.227-05:004 Years Later...Wow, this August has been a tough one. Not sure why it has been harder than previous ones, but I have been an emotional basket case the past few weeks. I believe it is due to the fact that over the summer I was thinking about the back-to-school date for this year. The students will not begin until the 20th, which is later than we have usually started for the past several years. So, I was enjoying the thought of how nice it was going to be to finally not be at work on her Birthday (since the 19th fell on a Sunday this year), and then it hit me...next year would have been Allie's 5th Birthday! Can you believe that? She would have been starting school next year, and on her actual 5th Birthday! I was supposed to have a child going into Kindergarten when Mason went to 2nd grade. Things would have been so different around our house if we had a 6 year old and a 4 year old running around instead of 6 year old and an almost 2 year old! Would we have still had Reese if Allie had been healthy? How different would it have been to have three little ones with us instead of only two? Would Allie have had Reese's personality, Mason's personality, a combination of their personalities, or a completely different personality? Would Allie and Mason have had as close of a relationship as Mason and Reese? As you can tell, my thoughts ran wild.<br />
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I really try hard not to let these emotions and questions get the best of me (because I have a husband and two small kids that need me), but sometimes I break. It is always tougher on the months or dates that I associate with a specific memory of her (like her Birthday month). I'm always thinking about her, but when August rolls around I crumble. And I know it is coming, but I can't seem to stop it from happening. It is almost like telling someone they better not smile, and then they imediately start smiling. So, I've just learned to cope like anyone else does that is grieving. Trying to manage these feelings, is pretty much a daily process, because there is a constant sadness inside of me that eats away and eventually breaks through to the surface (and I hate when it comes to the surface for others to see). I would love to make it go away, but I know it will always be a part of me. <br />
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Continuous pain tends to wear you down, and I think that the pain of grief is no exception. I feel that it wears on my emotions, because I try my best to keep going when I really don't feel like going anymore. It is quite difficult to show something on the outside that doesn't match what you are feeling on the inside, and then this drains me physically. I do better some days than others, but it upsets me to think that I will always be this way, and that I just have to learn how to cope with this new personality instead of it just going away and letting me feel like the "old me". I liked the old me better, and it wasn't near as hard because it just came natural :) Nothing feels natural now. <br />
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I miss my Allie so much, and I wish things could have been different but they can't. I wish she was here to celebrate her 4th Birthday. I wish her smiles and giggles were filling our home, and that she was here to play with her brother and sister. I wish she were in my arms recieving tons of hugs and kisses, but these things can only be wishes. I can't change them, and I can only try to find new ways to cope, and try to replace the sadness with happy memories of her. She made so many accomplishments in her short little time here, and I'm so proud of what a fight she gave. Thankfully, I have God and my loving family to depend on for help. They bring me my little moments of bliss to help get me through, and they understand me, and they don't fault me for having a bad day or month ;). They love me unconditionally, and I couldn't ask for anything better.<br />
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I love you Allie, and I hope you are having a glorious Birthday up in Heaven! Happy 4th Birthday! Sending lots of butterfly kisses your way.Susan and Michaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08110118305057431391noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7173802289817866379.post-13955503517818628932012-01-13T22:46:00.004-06:002012-01-14T00:29:46.825-06:00Happy 3rd Angel Day, Allie!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgS_3HhahIilOiRq51fa8LutGcFlytHX555Mh5mmTcSh2tcHqzxfqbS-Q3qH5p48G3gUe4EZYlPGAQsHW8eeKBeRpcP5iP7-FHHSJF3oTiVtYTx4QIkxmBE9_w58rRi4UaEs6VGt9s3-bs/s1600/a93.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; width: 320px; height: 213px; text-align: center; display: block; cursor: pointer;" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5697363483085757650" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgS_3HhahIilOiRq51fa8LutGcFlytHX555Mh5mmTcSh2tcHqzxfqbS-Q3qH5p48G3gUe4EZYlPGAQsHW8eeKBeRpcP5iP7-FHHSJF3oTiVtYTx4QIkxmBE9_w58rRi4UaEs6VGt9s3-bs/s320/a93.jpg" /></a><br /><div> </div><div>Three years ago today my sweet baby angel spread her wings. I was told that it takes about that long after a loss to begin putting the pieces of yourself back together. I'm starting to see that little by little. My days are not perfect and there are even times that I feel like I'm going backwards instead of forward, but somehow I learn to just keep going. Not sure how it happens, I just know that it is only by the grace of God. I'm sure Heaven rejoiced on this day three years ago, but it left a permanent hole in my heart. Maybe one day I will be strong enough to rejoice as well. As for now, I can't help but wish for her to be back in my arms. I long to just dream of her, so that I can see her once again. As you can see, I still have a long way to go, but I feel like I can definitely say that I am in a better state of mind now than I was three years ago. So time does change the pain (I can't say that it takes it all away or heals it, but it does help). My imagination runs wild when I try to think of what she might look like now, and I can't help but smile when I think of her running and playing in Heaven with all of the other sweet angels. For some reason, I always picture her with redish, brown, curly hair, wearing a white dress, and twirling :) It is also interesting to me that her baby sister, Reese, LOVES to twirl, and does so on a regular basis (I need to research and find out how common it is for a one year old to be able to twirl ). God truely blessed us with Allie, and we cannot be more thankful for the opportunity we were given (to be the parents of an angel). Our love for her is so strong, and she will forever remain in our hearts. My prayer is that God will continue to let us have more good days than bad, and that he will show us the best ways to use our experience to help others and spread His glory. We are thinking of you, Allie, today and always! We love you and miss you very much. </div>Susan and Michaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08110118305057431391noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7173802289817866379.post-30639307178948056902011-08-19T06:16:00.002-05:002011-08-19T06:36:16.394-05:00A New View<div><div><div><div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdiWZ-ZjbWfqgBv9kmYVaQM_hGumE_8BnMLUCbeNtNG4s0MtOg3423kPfHKMJcIcCQa1UiG7P0hjkh_CR7qJzbIFXA_1-0IwBuCpBPeZp-D8ityWEelhqC1FYLy1a19jwWrcDEADrX524/s1600/081908_Allie+098_c.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; width: 213px; height: 320px; text-align: center; display: block; cursor: pointer;" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5642423191874600898" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdiWZ-ZjbWfqgBv9kmYVaQM_hGumE_8BnMLUCbeNtNG4s0MtOg3423kPfHKMJcIcCQa1UiG7P0hjkh_CR7qJzbIFXA_1-0IwBuCpBPeZp-D8ityWEelhqC1FYLy1a19jwWrcDEADrX524/s320/081908_Allie+098_c.jpg" border="0" /></a>
<br /><div><div><div><div><div>Well, my sweet little angel would have been three today. Wow! I can almost hear her giggles. How happy she must be in Heaven running and playing with the other angels! My imagination can run wild with thoughts of what she would have looked like at the age of three, what she would have been doing by now, what type of personality she would have had, etc....Oh, what a happy mommy I will be when the time comes to get to see her face again! My heart overfills with joy just to think of holding her in my arms and kissing that sweet little forehead. How I miss those sweet forehead kisses. It would have been so fun to have her here in our family. Things are different without her. I would love for her to be here celebrating with us, but I'll just be thankful for the time I had and enjoy the precious memories. My most favorite way to keep her memory alive is through butterflies, and whether you belive it or not I truly believe that God sends me a special butterfly every year for her birthday. It is usually on the actual day that I see that unexpected butterfly in a peculiar place, but this year it came early, and it got me to thinking about feelings. As I held the butterfly on my finger and thought of Allie, it was the first time in a LONG time that I could honestly say that I felt okay. It felt so nice to have that feeling, because just a few short weeks ago I would not have had that same response. </div><div> </div><div>Unknown to most, I was having severe emotional problems and still struggling with the loss of Allie. I could even sense that something was wrong, but I didn't have the knowledge of how it could be "fixed". The majority of the population would probably think that having a baby after you have lost a child would change everything and you would miraculously be happy again. WRONG!!!! It may happen for some, but this was definitely not the case for me. In fact, I got worse after having Reese. Having Reese somehow made me miss Allie even more, and watching her quickly conquer one milestone after another just made me think of what I missed with Allie. It was so bad that I mistakenly called, Reese, Allie for the the 1st month of her life and all of this only made me feel like a horrible mother. There was guilt coming in from every direction. Needless to say, the wall I had so carefully placed around me, to keep others from seeing how I really felt, was slowy caving in on me. (I have the horrible "people pleaser" trait, and in my eyes I thought my problems would just make others uncomfortable, so I tried to hide the fact that I was crumbling inside). I put on a good show for a while, but it finally reached a point where those closest to me could see past the act. They heard the fake laughs, and saw the dried away tears, and felt the heart-broken mother inside calling for help. I was miserable, and I was just going through the motions of what I needed to do each day (nothing more). All emotional connections had been lost. I couldn't connect with the world, I coudln't connect with my family, and I coudln't even connect with God! (Heart breaking, I know). </div><div> </div><div>After many breakdowns and pleas for help, we seeked help. We talked with our precious preacher, Jeff, and the crumbling walls finally ceased. It was a relief to discover that I was not going insane, but that I was just depressed :) His sessions were very helpful, and I could slowly begin to see the light. One of his suggestions was to write again, because it is an outlet for me. So, what better way to break the barrier than to share my emotional struggles on her birthday when I have discovered a new view: That I am going to be okay, and it is okay to have a bad day from time to time (they're expected), and I will ALWAYS miss her and hold a special place in my heart just for her, and it is ok to still live my life and love my family as well. Thank you for allowing me to share my true emotions with you. I love you Allie, and I hope you have a wonderful 3rd birthday up in Heaven! I miss you terribly, and I'm sending some butterfly kisses your way to hold you until we meet again. </div><div> </div><div> </div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div>Susan and Michaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08110118305057431391noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7173802289817866379.post-56353386931857727492011-01-13T19:49:00.008-06:002011-01-14T06:25:01.510-06:00Allie's 2nd Amgel DayWell, we meet again- the blank canvas for my emotions. It's been quite a journey to get to this point, but here I am two years later. I thought I'd die right along beside her, but through God's strength He managed to keep me going. My heart will never fully recover, but I'm here. I'm here to share her precious story with others. I'm here to help comfort those that share my pain. I'm here to teach my children that you just keep going when life knocks you down. I'm here to show my children how to depend on God to get you through the tough times, and I'm here to watch Allie's memory live on through them. I'm not going to say that it is any easier today, two years later, because I still have days that bring me to my knees, but as time passes my breakdowns do grow further apart. There are still so many more things I wish she could have enjoyed with us. It would have been so precious to watch her grow with Reese. Today I will think of her and about the little girl she might have been, but smile at the little angel she has become. Mommy loves you and misses you, sweet Allie.<br /><br /><br /><br />These are a few pictures we were able to capture of a butterfly on Allie's Butterfly Bush we have planted in her memory.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpf-7ShxFTo27ZK-7olixL5UV3-NXS1EuO2YvM_Mf5_G_3hIiCxSjrpA6_rhhEPfTIPb5fXIeedQn161RtJ5av8Isa9g1ArrN3KNQaLT33t7bC-Jym-7iJPxIx-xyNIwMRSvP1dKcoDfQ/s1600/IMG_0159.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 213px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5561868799914961442" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpf-7ShxFTo27ZK-7olixL5UV3-NXS1EuO2YvM_Mf5_G_3hIiCxSjrpA6_rhhEPfTIPb5fXIeedQn161RtJ5av8Isa9g1ArrN3KNQaLT33t7bC-Jym-7iJPxIx-xyNIwMRSvP1dKcoDfQ/s320/IMG_0159.jpg" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiihdryAcFfOx_wpREsJmMYX09KcHC20QuDtlOr9N5x3R4OyF_2nmwFxHddwsD_2wcwNynAIo6ZuT89uxlkK0rbasfhwgGrbIAh7y-cblnOC2Tzq73IzKikUdZShyq7xzBHfPzW77BGwzA/s1600/IMG_0163.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 213px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5561868789387157170" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiihdryAcFfOx_wpREsJmMYX09KcHC20QuDtlOr9N5x3R4OyF_2nmwFxHddwsD_2wcwNynAIo6ZuT89uxlkK0rbasfhwgGrbIAh7y-cblnOC2Tzq73IzKikUdZShyq7xzBHfPzW77BGwzA/s320/IMG_0163.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrfebwIOU1PAalWZkDK3LbA0laJ9nbSPcANkdRtNwiSLo2Bv2bc7dzSGm1BzQNd1b8QpSH5v8-a81Wg6fCsMGr6-D9CjCbWFGc6wToFqjgzlurbugYXzlAhH_RYgvCJr6TJm3UDPviKiU/s1600/IMG_0166.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 213px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5561868779319072466" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrfebwIOU1PAalWZkDK3LbA0laJ9nbSPcANkdRtNwiSLo2Bv2bc7dzSGm1BzQNd1b8QpSH5v8-a81Wg6fCsMGr6-D9CjCbWFGc6wToFqjgzlurbugYXzlAhH_RYgvCJr6TJm3UDPviKiU/s320/IMG_0166.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiq7E0wHWb-KMU32ID_ljCSbAdWk_x90-DEx-roK8jLBDK9EcfifM7NJSAL8E8xKIXZeqqFMCjQo7Y1WYwp3P0ora_JCWJZsG1NAi3LuzOKHmmi9iDb16pwlFjaY6f6xTJ2pRhqU17wtxA/s1600/IMG_0154.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 213px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5561868779705824642" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiq7E0wHWb-KMU32ID_ljCSbAdWk_x90-DEx-roK8jLBDK9EcfifM7NJSAL8E8xKIXZeqqFMCjQo7Y1WYwp3P0ora_JCWJZsG1NAi3LuzOKHmmi9iDb16pwlFjaY6f6xTJ2pRhqU17wtxA/s320/IMG_0154.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><div><br /><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 213px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5561868774575892978" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUUCoNT84YFcx6y-kDZR-EsjgIteMh4E10j249AvFD3aAf4wTLHKW_nk2pq5NGQxIDxhDYuSdsCtThodKEnBwkMs-sGOD1RYLokOfbB8lTK-waCLGyoyUv1bQ8mgxEGzAjW7p6oniz-XE/s320/IMG_0152.jpg" /> </div></div></div>Susan and Michaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08110118305057431391noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7173802289817866379.post-65468158078609765932010-08-15T13:07:00.009-05:002010-08-19T05:59:50.382-05:00Happy 2nd Birthday to Our Sweet Little Little Angel, Allie!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8U8j5rDSbS3-fR34eQkZOkk9m9gd9OG6V5Y7cKjxJXgwNIz6MM1M40u38M0Wwht9SBTm5V5TFarC0J6xXcQjb15BdY2O8fyqxlOtgdl4FQfUrndMDguqOa-a4MiNMIqI4SygkjMINbmQ/s1600/IMG_0613_BW.jpg"></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6g0OI9My1KrqbvJzIgs1a_4BdgdcogVov6E3Bdw_HhNFu1fNzStFNbUgLdNDFBx8RYjWHWWdvCjMgSTMqGBvu0HCFM4s9CGXfaXNe8f7EHppDb1zizh6gdPChV_WFWrDbtmxi4njs0KY/s1600/IMG_0612.jpg"></a><br /><br /><object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/iYEOzBZ51QI?fs=1&hl=en_US"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><br /><br /><br /><br /><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/iYEOzBZ51QI?fs=1&hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object><br /><br /><br />Dear Allie,<br /><br />Oh, how I wish you were here to celebrate this special day! I miss you more than words can express, and I often pray for God to let me dream of you at night. What I would give for that split second: to see you again, to feel as though I am with you again, to catch a whiff of your adorable baby scent again, to see your smile again, to hold you in my arms again, to kiss you again. I'm left with only memories, which I keep so dear to my heart. So many things have happened that I wish you could experience with us here on Earth.<br /><br />One, is the fact that you are going to be a big sister! How precious it would have been to have my sweet girls playing together. We also traveled to Disney World this past summer, and every time a little girl passed by I thought of you and how much you would have loved seeing the princesses. I would also have loved for you to witness how much your big brother loves you. He misses you tremendously, and he still asks and talks about you all the time. It really shows in how much he worries about your new baby sis. The experience has been quite difficult for us all, but we have faith that we will see you again.<br /><br />Mason continues to be his curious self and asks many questions that are even hard for your daddy and me to answer sometimes. One that sticks out in my mind, especially on days like today, is, "Will Allie grow old in Heaven?" This one always makes me think. When I see other two year olds walking and talking, it is easy for me to question and try to imagine what you would have been like here on Earth as a two year old. Would you still have your red hair, or would it have turned blonde like your brother's? Would it be curly or straight? Would you be shy and quiet, or a little 'pistol'? What color would your eyes have been? What would your voice sound like? What type of laugh would you have? How badly would you have your daddy wrapped around your little finger? :) These are all characteristics that are easy for me imagine because they are characteristics that I am familiar with on Earth, but I don't know what it is like in Heaven. Your birthday makes me revert back to your brother's question, and I try to think about what you might be like now. Are you still my precious tiny baby that gets held and loved on by Angels and loved ones, or are you a bubbly toddler that's full of energy and happiness, or are you a completely different Being that we cannot even comprehend until we get to Heaven? I know what I like to believe to be true, and I guess that is just what I will continue doing until I see you again in Heaven.<br /><br />I hope you have a wonderful Birthday in Heaven, and please know that Mommy, Daddy, and Mason will be thinking of you today like always! We love you so much, and we thank God for allowing us to be your family. You continue to be such a blessing to us, and today we celebrate you! We miss you so much baby girl! Happy 2nd Birthday!<br /><br /><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 266px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5505739053450706674" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbRGQYCibx39M357TelCvpZ2OZY7Lv0JiGHHUNnUYMBPwbnKNFa2ymqHr6kIK-Dtgz_zv8X_AEmjnFxNVUkIoEnftkGBEoOEKVgEpqm4ZLniMpDh5WXtONzpBE1hnnWdVrwu_rWBhvuQc/s400/IMG_0613_BW.jpg" />Susan and Michaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08110118305057431391noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7173802289817866379.post-47604261397730040222010-07-16T14:19:00.003-05:002010-07-16T15:59:08.749-05:00Overwhelmed with EmotionsWell, as you can see I've been a little busy these days and haven't been able to post to the blog in quite a while. During my absence, we received some wonderful news that most have already discovered. We found out in March that we were going to be expecting a new bundle of joy in our lives, and we just recently found out that it is going to be another sweet baby girl. Michael, Mason, and I are exuberant!<br /><br /> Although very exciting, this news has also brought a new flood of emotions to the table. This was something that I didn't actually expect to ever see in our future, because I was sure that I would never be strong enough to take that leap of faith again. It took me over a year to even touch anything in Allie's room (feeling as though if anything was misplaced, then I was somehow losing another piece of her). It was all I had left to hold onto, and I didn't want to let go this time. As time passed, we decided that something had to be done, because it was becoming just as hurtful going into a precious nursery, that should be filled with love and sweet giggles, and only finding emptiness. So many times Michael found me in that room lost in tears, therefore it was time. We slowly and carefully began packing her things away. The things that we could not store we decided to give away, because we knew we were not going to have anymore children :) We also decided to turn the new available space into Mason's new playroom, because we knew that we were not going to have anymore children :) Well, I find it quite funny sometimes how God works, because not too long after we had 'de-babyfied' our house (because we were not going to have anymore children) the thoughts of a new baby started entering our minds. (Isn't it wonderful how God can change your heart?) So, soon after we had decided that we were okay with taking that leap of faith again, the news of a new little one entering our lives arrived.<br /><br /> I knew it was going to be tough (emotionally) because our emotions are still so vulnerable and you cannot help but to have that fear of losing another child, but you don't know how tough until you actually experience it. At first the pregnancy made me miss Allie even more than I already did, and I just wanted her back in my arms. Then the fearful memories returned as I approached each pregnancy milestone, and the fear was so strong that it consumed me (I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think, I felt as though I was sinking back into depression, and it was almost too much to handle) Then my sweet, sweet doctor and nurses brought me in for an early ultrasound. Just seeing the little fluttering heartbeat relaxed all my fears. I know God placed these sweet people into my life and they continued to bring me in every two weeks just for peace of mind. We've finally built up to going just once a month, but sometimes four weeks sure does seem like a LONG time :) We've made it half way, but still have a long way to go. We didn't do any testing this time because we just wanted to enjoy what we have while we have it, so we technically will not be out of the woods until she's born. I can't wait to have this sweet baby girl safe in my arms, but I know I just have to be patient :) <br /><br />Mason is just beside himself that he's getting another baby sister, but he has his worries as well. It's been tough for the little guy, and we try to calm his fears as much as possible, but even that is difficult sometimes. I mean how do you answer questions like: "Mommy, are you sure we are going to get to keep this baby forever?" Even though we struggle, time has caused us all to have more good days than before. We still have our bad days, and I guess those will always be a part of our lives. What would have been Allie's 2 year birthday is approaching fast, and just like last year my emotions seem to be getting the best of me. We continue to do our best to get through and find the positive in our situation just like in the fact that we feel so lucky to have the memory of her birthday, because it was such a glorious day to celebrate. We cannot thank you enough for all of the prayers and support you have provided and continue to provide. I'll keep you posted on our progress with the new addition :)Susan and Michaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08110118305057431391noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7173802289817866379.post-17367931946798360582010-03-17T20:26:00.003-05:002010-03-18T07:56:45.579-05:00National Trisomy 18 Awareness Day<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgD8UFze1VtjnxrxknY3evluPZN6bIT-lCUai6Q8hm9oEvpTlnpQz7SxbSc4oXefW7JXPJ948DByB1lmZMieQWJUcXOQS9wF5uZj00gXcpe8DHcFZlnk7bSSMRQjO9tPzf2N2H3jVsirzY/s1600-h/a19.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 213px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgD8UFze1VtjnxrxknY3evluPZN6bIT-lCUai6Q8hm9oEvpTlnpQz7SxbSc4oXefW7JXPJ948DByB1lmZMieQWJUcXOQS9wF5uZj00gXcpe8DHcFZlnk7bSSMRQjO9tPzf2N2H3jVsirzY/s320/a19.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5449798918577781570" /></a><br /><br /><br />Today is National Trisomy 18 Awareness Day, and I'm thinking of my precious angel, Allie. This special day was chosen to honor Allie and many other babies like her, because it is the 18th day of the third month. Babies with Trisomy 18 have a third copy of the 18th chromosome, therefore making March 18th a good choice for honoring them. <br /><br />Our Little Angel is already waiting on us in Heaven along with many other Trisomy 18 Angels, but there are so many others that are still putting up the fight. I want to commend the Trisomy 18 Foundation and Victoria Miller at this time for all of the hard work and effort they put towards Trisomy 18 resources and research. Thank you. Not a day goes by that Allie is not in my thoughts, and nothing would make me happier than to see a day when parents would be able to spend more time with their special babies. <br /><br />Coping with the loss of a child is extremely difficult for all family members, and we continue to struggle with our efforts. It breaks my heart to see my four year old have to struggle as well. It almost feels unfair that, at such a young age, he has to deal with this horrible pain that most don't face until adulthood. Allie remains in his thoughts too. My heart melts when he says things like: "Mommy, I'm sending a kiss way up high to Heaven for Allie." "Here's an extra hug for Allie." "I miss my sweet Little Allie, I wish she could come back to play with me." "I got (this) to give to Allie." and "One day I'm going to be so happy when I get to Heaven and see Allie." Isn't he just the most kind hearted little man you've ever seen. <br /><br />It is so easy to focus on the negative when you have so much pain, but on this day, to honor Allie, I'm thinking of all the positives that she brought into my life. Yeah, I only got to spend a little less than five months with her, but that is almost five months that some mothers never got. I learned more about being a mother and a Christian in those short four and a half months, than I have in my entire thirty years of life. I'm thankful that God blessed our lives with Allie, and I'm so honored that he chose us to be this Little Angel's parents while on this Earth. <br /><br />Please say a prayer for all of the Trisomy 18 babies that continue to fight, and for the loving parents that provide them with a nurturing environment, and for the parents with empty arms that are waiting to reunite with their little ones again one day in Heaven. If you have a little one to squeeze and hold, make sure you cherish every moment and always show them how much you love them. Thank you.<br /><br /><br />You can click on this link to view a slideshow of Allie and other Trisomy 18 babies being honorned today. <br /><br /> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/groups/mychildmatters/"></a>Susan and Michaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08110118305057431391noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7173802289817866379.post-3260545760316562022010-02-19T21:40:00.003-06:002010-02-19T21:58:15.942-06:00We Caved.....Well, we did it. We said we were not going to, but we did. We tried our best to convince him to wait one more year, but are you kidding me this is Mason we're talking about. He eats, sleeps, and breathes it. We couldn't deprive him any longer. He has begged to do this since he was two, so we caved. Therefore, our little man is now signed up for t-ball :) Oh, it just doesn't seem right! He should not be old enough to play t-ball. Did everyone else know they let them play at four now?!? I know he will LOVE it. He is already so excited. We were mainly worried about him knowing how to play on a team instead of in the back yard with mommy and daddy (where there is no down time and he gets to hit almost every time). But, I guess he has to learn sometime. And I guess mommy has to learn to let go a little :) He has his first tryouts next Saturday and IT begins.Susan and Michaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08110118305057431391noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7173802289817866379.post-27933054911341722492010-01-31T13:24:00.004-06:002010-01-31T13:50:38.079-06:00On a Happier Note....Sorry, my posts from November to January have been so grueling. I guess that was just my emotional place at the time and I had to let it all out. Thank you all for listening and providing comfort during those lowly times. I wanted to change the tone a little with this post, so I am writing about something happy that has happened with Allie's story. A few weeks back I received an email from a very sweet young lady wanting to use Allie's information for her school project. They were given an assignment to research a disorder and present their findings to the class. She had chosen Trisomy 18 and came across my precious Allie's story during her research. She put together a fabulous PowerPoint presentation which included some information about Trisomy 18 and some pictures of Allie along with many other precious T18 babies. When she informed me of how the presentation went, she told me that she had decided to just print out a copy of Allie's story from the T18 website to go along with her presentation. She said the other students were amazed by her story and just how beautiful Allie was, and that they were all asking if they could keep the printout for themselves afterwards. That just warms a mother's heart. I want to give a special thanks to Sarah for doing such a wonderful job and getting the word out there to a few more people about Trisomy 18.<br /><br />P.S.<br />Michael finally convinced me to take the plunge and cross over into the 21st century. I am now on facebook. :)Susan and Michaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08110118305057431391noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7173802289817866379.post-5585202370249689532010-01-17T17:35:00.007-06:002010-01-17T18:19:45.968-06:00For all you Facebookers.....I need your help.First of all, I would like to thank you all again for your wonderful love and support. Your comments, cards, calls, emails, and gifts were so touching and comforting. To see so many remember Allie on her Angel Day meant so much to us. It was the perfect reminder of how many lives she touched and how much she is still loved. <br /><br />With that being said, I try to get the awareness for Trisomy 18 out there as much as possible to help her memory live on as well. I have received an important message from Victoria Miller, the founder of Trisomy 18 Foundation, about an opportunity for the foundation to win $1 million toward the cause. This is a fabulous site for parents, friends, and family of T18 babies. Michael and I depended on its many resources to help get us through on several occasions and still use them to this day. All we have to do is vote. The only problem is that it is a Facebook challenge, and I do not have a Facebook account. I know, I know--you didn't realize there were still some of us out there that had not crossed over into the Facebook world yet, but there is. (I may be the only one, but there is at least one) :) So, I thought I could at least try to get the word out there to all of my bloggie buddies that have Facebook accounts or know of others that have an account. I would greatly appreciate you taking a minute to visit this site and voting for the Trisomy 18 foundation in memory of my sweet Allie. Don't forget to pass the message along to all of your friends also. Thank you all again. (Ends January 22)<br /><br /> <a href="http://www.trisomy18.org/site/R?i=grOklHdmkP1Y6pLYtvaU4Q..">http://www.trisomy18.org/site/R?i=grOklHdmkP1Y6pLYtvaU4Q..</a>Susan and Michaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08110118305057431391noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7173802289817866379.post-85112431224252657362010-01-14T00:00:00.025-06:002010-01-14T00:00:01.827-06:00Our First Year Without HerOne Year--- Wow, I'm in such a confused state. So many people think of a year as being a long time, and it is to some degree. There were probably even some that couldn't figure out why we had such a tough time during the holidays because in their minds it had been almost a year since we had lost our daughter. But to us- it was our first Christmas without her, and it was having to start our first New Year without her. To those that it does not affect on a great personal level, then a year may seem long enough to move on and forget. For the ones like us who've lost their child though, we will never forget because those thoughts and memories are constantly close to our hearts. Therefore, in so many ways it feels like it was just yesterday, because all of my feelings, emotions, and memories are still so raw and vivid. How could it already be a year when the memories replay like broken records in my mind? It only takes something as small as a smell, a touch, a sound, a song, or a feeling for the outpouring of emotions to return. However, if you are speaking in terms of how long it has been since I've held her, kissed her, smelled her, sang to her, fed her, bathed her, comforted her, swaddled her, rubbed her soft hair against my cheek, or seen her smile then it feels longer than the words <em>eternity </em>can describe. <br /><br />We "knew" all along that Allie's time on earth would be short, but nothing could have prepared us for this day last year. She had done so well. My guard was down, and I was clinging on to that minuscule shred of hope that she was going to be a member of the rare group of T18 babies that would survive for years. So much so, that I BELIEVED it with my whole heart. Allie had received a fantastic heart report just a few days prior to her first hospital visit. It was actually that day when we noticed something was different. On our one hour journey home from her doctor's visit she began getting fussy. This was not normal behavior for her. She was content 99.99% of the time. I tried feeding her, but it got worse. She started turning blue, and I began screaming for Michael to pull off the road. I thought she had strangled, but I didn't realize that it was the start of her soon to be problem. From that moment her condition worsened. It sounded as though she was extremely congested (almost like she had a cold), and we were mortified because we had tried so hard to keep her well. Mason had recently been sick (which we now know was the start of his asthma), but we had everyone in masks, we kept her isolated, and we used bottles and bottles of disinfectants. (Seriously- my family alone kept the disinfectant companies in business). By the end of the week we were taking her to the hospital, for what we thought was just a cold. It was very important that her cold not turn into something worse, so we thought that Children's could help keep the cold under control. Like us, they were having trouble finding all of that congestion it sounded like she had. <em>Why did she sound so bad if there was no congestion </em>was the question that baffled us all. Nonetheless, she seemed to improve some and they sent us home with oxygen. We rejoiced in the fact that we had survived her first hospital visit. After returning home on that Saturday, she didn't pull through the way we had hoped. I was up with her most of the weekend, and at one point I remember thinking that she was just being a typical baby finally that had developed colic or something. I know I was reaching for a long shot, but my faith was strong. By Monday her breathing had impaired to the point that it was necessary for us to return to the hospital. Keep in mind that during this time we were still thinking that she had a cold, and that if we could get rid of the cold then she would return to her normal happy self. Most of the images of those final days with Allie are still fresh and clear in my memory. Some things are a little fuzzy, but I do have to remind myself that I was running on very little sleep and a roller coaster of emotions. It upsets me (even though they are painful) that most of these images that are so clear today will also fade with the passing of time. <br /><br />We arrived at Children's again, and it's as if I'm sitting back in that tiny emergency room when I recall this memory of my husband arguing with the doctor. He had never spoken to anyone with that tone before, but he was being completely heroic and standing up for his emotionally pitiful wife that wanted so badly to stay with her baby. Allie needed to be placed in the Special Care Unit, which only allows parents to visit during visiting hours. I remember looking up to the doctor and pleading with despair in my voice, "You don't understand. I don't know how much time I have with her, and I have held her almost every second of her life. I couldn't live with myself if something happened and her final moments were spent lying in a hospital bed instead of in my arms." He finally got the picture and pulled some strings for us so that we could remain with Allie during her stay in the Special Care Unit. The rooms in the Special Care Unit are basically cubicles that pretty much only have room for the bed and machinery. We were fortunate enough to obtain one that had doors and a small restroom, and they pulled two chairs in for us to have a place to sit. They also allowed me to keep her in my arms instead of placing her in the bed. It was such a rough night. My body was weak and aching, and my arms shook as I cradled her all night in the chair. I had been awake for 24 hours, and Allie was hooked up to a <em>million </em>machines and restless. She would stop breathing nearly every other breath, and I think we were beginning to realize that things were not looking good. <br /><br />It was around lunchtime the following day when the team of doctors stopped by to talk. They basically told us it was time to make some tough decisions. We had made these decisions before she was even born "so it wouldn't be so difficult when the time came", but here it was...time to decide. This was another one of my many breakdown moments, and I was basically numb by this point. My brain was no longer functioning, and I didn't know what to do. I can remember being so angry, because I had prayed so hard for it NOT to happen this way. My prayer all along was for her not to suffer at all and for God to take away any decisions that Michael and I would have to make. (Obviously, I thought very highly of myself because I was expecting God to make it a no brainer for us and take away any responsibility.) So, why was she suffering, and why were we having to make the decisions that I didn't want to make? The next conversations are some of my fuzzy moments that I wish I could recall more clearly. I couldn't fathom how a cold could have done this to her, and this is when they proceeded to tell me that she did not have a cold but that it was the T18 playing out. My recollection of this conversation is a fog. I do remember the mention of apnea and that her brain was no longer sending the proper signals to tell her to breathe, but I cannot recall if they mentioned the second type of apnea. I'm not sure if it wasn't mentioned, or if it was mentioned and I just didn't pick up on it since I didn't know about it at the time. Oh, how I wish I would have known all that I know now back then. I'm not sure if it would have helped or changed my decisions, but maybe I wouldn't beat myself up so much. Allie had the typical apnea that is usually associated with T18 babies (which is the one they say is not treatable because it deals with the brain not telling you to breathe- this is also the one we knew she had and remembered the doctors mentioning), but I have since learned of another type of apnea that is due to a collapsed airway (which is treatable through surgery). I believe she had this one as well based on her symptoms. It makes you feel so ignorant to learn of things, you feel like you should have known, after the fact. It scares me to believe that I might not have done everything I could have for her or made the best decisions when in fact that is what I was trying to do. I have also read where some have actually had luck using caffeine for the apnea- again, all things that were unknown to us then. Even though it makes me question and she did still have the "untreatable" apnea, I'm still not sure if they would have even performed surgery on such a weak little one to take care of the second type. It just makes me feel like I didn't do enough for her, or that I didn't fight for her, or that I gave up on her. I did question why her chest was still moving sometimes when she had a spell if her brain wasn't sending the signal for her to breathe, but they never had an answer for me. My knowledge was lacking. Anyway, our decisions were based on our feelings and beliefs at the time, which were that it would be worse to intubate since she would not be able to recover from this type of apnea. In our minds this was going to prolong her suffering and we would eventually have to decide when to take her off the support, which meant we would be right back where we left off plus an additional decision. We just wanted her pain to be taken away. The doctors and nurses were all very sympathetic and nourishing, but I think T18 is not something that is well known in the field because so many of these precious babies don't survive long enough for doctors to gain the experience of working with them.<br /><br />They transferred us to a regular room and the waiting began. She started small amounts of morphine to try to help keep her comfortable. A few family members and friends came to say their goodbyes, and before long it was just the three of us again-- and we waited. Those were some of my lowest moments. How could I just sit there and watch my baby die? Her pitiful weak cry was heart wrenching and her little breaths continued to weaken. I felt helpless. She was a fighter from the beginning and now was no different. She fought and struggled until the next day (January 14, 2009). I was now going on 3 days of no sleep. I refused to close my eyes even for a second because I wanted to spend them all with her. My arms and back burned with pain, but I wasn't letting go. I was delirious now and not sure if any of my words made since, but it was ripping me apart to see her in such a frail state. Her hoarse little whimper will forever be imprinted into my brain, and there was so much I didn't understand. My argument to the doctors and nurses was, "You are telling me that she is not in pain, but if she is not in pain then why is she crying?" At least I think that is what came out of my mouth. They tried to explain that she wasn't in pain, but that she was scared. Well, that didn't make me feel any better. My baby was absolutely terrified by the fact that she couldn't breathe and there was nothing in the world I could do about it. How horrible! We had watched Allie struggle for three whole days. Her apnea had become more frequent and it was taking her longer and longer to snap out of spells. Each breath she did have grew more shallow and weaker. It was late that evening when my parents arrived with Mason. All it takes is for me to close my eyes and I can still see every detail of that hospital room and every moment. I was sitting in a chair by the window and the rest were all in the floor playing cars with Mason. My mom was sitting nearby and Allie stopped breathing. She had done this a thousand times before, but this time was different, and I knew it. I screamed for Michael and clenched her to my chest. I was rocking her back and forth and quivering. The word "NO!" repeatedly escaped my mouth. She was cradled in her parents' tearful arms and with one last small gasp of air, she was gone. I was crushed. I imagined myself just disintegrating right then and there, or falling limp- never to be moved again, or Michael having to put together a double funeral because I could not imagine trying to continue to live. I was standing still as the world continued to rotate around me. What I didn't want to realize at the time is that God had me wrapped in his arms, and he wasn't going to let that happen. <br /><br />We were soon able to feel a sense of peace because this tiny baby that was still held tight in our arms was free from this world. This was something I never thought we could feel, but she was no longer in pain, she was no longer suffering, and she was no longer struggling to survive. She was happy and whole and with her Father in Heaven. This day changed my life forever and it has been a rough road trying to live life without her, but we've struggled to continue on in hopes to be with her again one day. We have continued moving even though most days were more like a push. It's as if we are trying to stand still on a conveyor belt full of heavy boxes, and no matter how hard we try to stand still that belt keeps moving and those boxes keep piling up until it eventually forces us forward. We've experienced a multitude of emotions on this journey of grief, including many that I regret. I hate that it took me so long to come back to my senses and realize that God was not out to get me, but rather it was Satan trying to break me down all along. Thank you for allowing me to share these bittersweet memories with you. Allie was a very special little angel, and we feel so honored to be called her parents. We love her so much and miss her terribly. This has been an extremely tough week just recalling all of the painful memories that its associated with, but please pray for us today as we try to make it through the day that we lost our daughter. <br /><br /><table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" bgcolor="#ffffff"><br /><tbody><br /><tr><br /><td><a href="http://smilebox.com/play/4d5451794d6a49324e6a633d0d0a&blogview=true&campaign=blog_playback_link" target="_blank"><img style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none" alt="Click to play this Smilebox slideshow: Angel Day Anniversary" src="http://smilebox.com/snap/4d5451794d6a49324e6a633d0d0a.jpg" width="386" height="303" /></a></td></tr><br /><tr><br /><td><a href="http://www.smilebox.com/?partner=google&campaign=blog_snapshot" target="_blank"><img style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none" alt="Create your own slideshow - Powered by Smilebox" src="http://www.smilebox.com/globalImages/blogInstructions/blogLogoSmileboxSmall.gif" width="386" height="46" /></a></td></tr><br /><tr><br /><td align="middle"><a href="http://www.smilebox.com/slideshows" target="_blank">Make a Smilebox slideshow</a></td></tr></tbody></table><em></em>Susan and Michaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08110118305057431391noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7173802289817866379.post-47543647045734434582009-12-31T08:20:00.003-06:002009-12-31T08:21:10.968-06:00Looking Back on 2009This is one year that I am actually glad to see GO. I don't mean to sound so negative because the year 2009 has brought some wonderful opportunities into my life, but it was a treacherous road to travel. Ringing in the New Year for '09 was probably one my fondest memories, because I had my sweet Allie by my side. She was never expected to live even one day, but yet she lived for days, weeks, months, and surprisingly stuck it out to see a new year dawn. It was shortly after the New Year when '09 took a turn for the worse.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWJ6OjrWNtPLC2ixVUKPuM44Ldm3LdMMrURgi8nqb9MqH67KdhkRtH336y7HjIQR47E8VZ4IxELHNTBKJf954KIXHuZgbsMsz_OjPRSFdZUSGwQ6bAyPmh1JXVyPB-w8E2GQzzBuXDRNU/s1600-h/IMG_1160.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWJ6OjrWNtPLC2ixVUKPuM44Ldm3LdMMrURgi8nqb9MqH67KdhkRtH336y7HjIQR47E8VZ4IxELHNTBKJf954KIXHuZgbsMsz_OjPRSFdZUSGwQ6bAyPmh1JXVyPB-w8E2GQzzBuXDRNU/s320/IMG_1160.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5421114113602318178" /></a><br /><br /><br />We lost our Allie on January 14th, 2009 and have struggled to regain our balance ever since. Most of this year was spent putting on fake smiles and pushing through the pain of getting out of bed every morning. Moments of laughter fell few and far between and was something that only a few could find in us, and how thankful we were for those moments. The approach of Holidays, which are thought of as joyful, were things that were dreaded for us because we knew they would be spent in tears. Tears that called out for mercy. Tears that pleaded for the pain to be taken away and for our daughter to be back in our arms. Therefore, when I look back on the year 2009 the following things will probably be what I remember most. <br /><br /><strong>2009 was...</strong><br /><br />The year that I lost my daughter. <br />A year filled with sadness. <br />The first time I had to celebrate holidays missing one of my children. <br />When I threw a one year old birthday party without the guest of honor.<br />The year that my son had to learn many tough lessons about life and death.<br />The year I started blogging.<br />When my faith was shaken.<br />The year I grew closer to God and my family.<br />Mason's first (of probably many) E.R. visits for staples.<br />Michael's first time to be put to sleep for a procedure.<br />The time I had to say a speech on my daughter's behalf.<br />The year I helped raise awareness for Trisomy 18.<br />When Mason first became obsessed with the Blue Angels Jets.<br />A time that I learned what NOT to say to someone that has lost a loved one :)<br />When I witnessed how ONE person could make a difference in others' lives.<br />The time I discovered what a great community of family and friends I have.<br />When Michael and Mason both lost their first dog.<br />AND<br />The year that I realized how bad a mother's heart and arms could ache for her child.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />I thank you all for your love and support, and I hope that the year 2010 is a good one for everyone. Sending you lots of love :)Susan and Michaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08110118305057431391noreply@blogger.com55tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7173802289817866379.post-35736933829892341522009-12-28T23:15:00.003-06:002009-12-29T22:03:01.294-06:00Christmas '09Well, our emotions for Christmas follwed pretty much what we expected. I only included one picture of me in the photo slide show because my eyes were so red and swollen. Michael and I did our best to give Mason the "normal" Christmas morning that he deserved, but all of our emotions were too strong to keep inside so he witnessed us crying several times throughout the day. He, of course, could sense that we were upset about missing Allie and talked about her some, but I think for the most part he had a good Christmas. We did have to tell him some sad news the next day. His first dog, Dorie, was killed by a car on Christmas. It doesn't matter how old you are, it is always tough losing your first dog (it was Michael's first dog too). I think our emotions were worse under the given circumstances. We pushed through and survived though. I know that with time the holidays will come easier, but they'll never be the same. <br /><br /><embed type="application/x-shockwave-flash" src="http://picasaweb.google.com/s/c/bin/slideshow.swf" width="400" height="267" flashvars="host=picasaweb.google.com&hl=en_US&feat=flashalbum&RGB=0x000000&feed=http%3A%2F%2Fpicasaweb.google.com%2Fdata%2Ffeed%2Fapi%2Fuser%2FMichaelandSusanBrewer%2Falbumid%2F5420521549597375905%3Falt%3Drss%26kind%3Dphoto%26hl%3Den_US" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer"></embed>Susan and Michaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08110118305057431391noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7173802289817866379.post-14989841013164875872009-12-19T18:24:00.006-06:002009-12-20T12:56:29.147-06:00If I'd Only Known...<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCKNXy1Qmz7ABX9xwi7X8tqa1qwWpQJBgTEZdWolrX-gVZRRaJgcqF-WiSeHfoq-rJOY89vPz0wuTceOHAvozOzqhNhORQeIvSbu1Gg9kRJgpKGp6LDmqE6MXrG7AXG9WV6fhsR0Gd2KA/s1600-h/IMG_0924.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 266px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCKNXy1Qmz7ABX9xwi7X8tqa1qwWpQJBgTEZdWolrX-gVZRRaJgcqF-WiSeHfoq-rJOY89vPz0wuTceOHAvozOzqhNhORQeIvSbu1Gg9kRJgpKGp6LDmqE6MXrG7AXG9WV6fhsR0Gd2KA/s400/IMG_0924.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5417125601109869186" /></a><br /><br />Dear Allie,<br />If I'd only known that this date last year would be your last birthday party, then I would have thrown a parade in your honor for the whole world to see.<br /><br />If I'd only known that your first Christmas would also be your last Christmas, then I would have given you the North Pole.<br /><br />If I'd only known that you would enter Heaven shortly after you entered a New Year, then I would have invited the President to meet the most amazing, precious, beautiful, adorable baby that ever existed.<br /><br />If I'd only known that these would be my final moments to get my last photos of you, then I would have taken over a billion pictures and videoed every second of your life. <br /><br />If I'd only known that I had less than a month to kiss you, then I would have kissed you without ceasing.<br /><br />If I'd only known that you would soon be leaving my arms to be in the arms of Jesus, then I would have found a way to stop time so that I could hold you forever.<br /><br />If I'd only known.<br /><br />Love, <br />Mommy<br /><br /><br /><br />It's been an emotional day today. Michael even tried getting me out of the house some to help, but unfortunately it didn't. My mind continued to drift away into the world of "what ifs", and my heart just ached. That horrible pain in the pit of my stomach was back and didn't want to leave. I wish she was here, because the holidays are not the same without her. There is an empty space under the tree where her presents should be, and a hole in our hearts that can never be filled. I did finally get my tree up, and I am glad that I did, because all of her ornaments and cherished treasures were too precious to keep hidden away in storage. It hurts some, but for the most part I do enjoy catching a glimpse of them from time to time. I apologize for being so gloomy today, but it was just one of those days that caught me by surprise. I knew from the moment I woke up, and didn't want to get out of bed, that it was going to be a tough one, and the day progressively worsened. I was uncontrollably sobbing by breakfast time, and I had many more to follow. I still count my blessings even though I have a tough day every now and then, because I cannot be more thankful for God giving me the blessing of actually having those precious memories and cherished treasures of her first Christmas. I hope all of your Holidays are filled with blessings as well.<br /><br /><br />P.S. <br />I finally added Mason's 4th Birthday photos to his birthday post. Just scroll back down a couple of posts and enjoy :)Susan and Michaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08110118305057431391noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7173802289817866379.post-83060360814856087292009-12-18T16:05:00.002-06:002009-12-18T17:00:17.078-06:00Mason's 1st School ProgramOh, my 'Little Man' is getting too big on me. Last night he had his first school program, and my heart just melted. I was a little nervous going in because he has never done anything in front of an audience any larger than us, but he made us so proud. He did so well, and the program was PRECIOUS! We were amazed at how well all of the little kidos did. They sang a few Christmas songs, recited some Bible verses, and even did some signs along with one. They all looked so adorable. Mason looked so growny walking in his little line and standing up on stage :) I am going to have to find something that keeps my eyelids pried open. I'm too scared to blink because time seems to be flying by at warp speed. Here are a few, well okay a little more than a few, photos of Mason's 1st school program :)<br /><br /><embed type="application/x-shockwave-flash" src="http://picasaweb.google.com/s/c/bin/slideshow.swf" width="400" height="267" flashvars="host=picasaweb.google.com&hl=en_US&feat=flashalbum&RGB=0x000000&feed=http%3A%2F%2Fpicasaweb.google.com%2Fdata%2Ffeed%2Fapi%2Fuser%2FMichaelandSusanBrewer%2Falbumid%2F5416699455208038177%3Falt%3Drss%26kind%3Dphoto%26hl%3Den_US" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer"></embed>Susan and Michaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08110118305057431391noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7173802289817866379.post-37745952807168547232009-12-14T22:52:00.003-06:002009-12-19T13:38:35.079-06:00Happy 4th Birthday Little Man!My Little Man turned 4 today. Oh how fast the time has flown. We decided to do things a little different this year. We just wanted to have a good time and take our minds off of other things for a while. Boy, did we have a good time! We rented a jump place, and I think the adults had just as much fun as the kids :) I really think Mason had the time of his life. After he had his fill of the bouncers and slides, he played foam stick hockey with some others and was in his element. For any that know him, they know that he is OBSESSED (without any help from us) with ANY kind of sport. He has been playing with all different kinds of sports since he was a year old. At his 1st birthday he was kicking a soccer ball up and down the hill in our back yard :) And that seems like yesterday. The Lord has blessed me with the sweetest most precious little boy he could find, and I am so thankful to have him as my son. Happy 4th Birthday Little Man! We love you.<br /><br /><embed type="application/x-shockwave-flash" src="http://picasaweb.google.com/s/c/bin/slideshow.swf" width="400" height="267" flashvars="host=picasaweb.google.com&hl=en_US&feat=flashalbum&RGB=0x000000&feed=http%3A%2F%2Fpicasaweb.google.com%2Fdata%2Ffeed%2Fapi%2Fuser%2FMichaelandSusanBrewer%2Falbumid%2F5417030924670585457%3Falt%3Drss%26kind%3Dphoto%26hl%3Den_US" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer"></embed>Susan and Michaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08110118305057431391noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7173802289817866379.post-53303543053969578212009-12-07T06:51:00.003-06:002009-12-07T20:27:07.569-06:00Bitter Sweet MomentsI am usually not one to procrastinate about things (I tend to leave that up to my husband because he is reeeeeeally good at it) :), but I have found myself doing exactly that this holiday season. For instance, my tree is usually up the day after Thanksgiving, but not this year. It has been like pulling teeth trying to decorate for Christmas. Michael and I were fully expecting the holidays to be tough, and Thanksgiving was our first set back. We held it together the best we could for all of the family gatherings, knowing good and well we were both dying inside, but wound up falling apart the week after. From there it only got worse. It didn't help that during all of these emotional valleys Mason had to be rushed to the E.R. to get staples in the top of his head due to a fall at daycare (which he got out today), I came down with bronchitis, and Michael discovered that he will need surgery to remove a cyst. It kind of felt like a "pile on" and I allowed myself to believe it also. The devil had me wrapped around his little finger again, and I have since been fighting hard to break loose from his grip. For some reason bad thoughts continue to seep through the cracks from time to time, even though I know how blessed I am. It is quite difficult to hold back all the thoughts of "what could have beens..." that are running through my head. We created some very precious memories last year with our Little Allie, and I am so grateful for those memories, but I also cannot stop longing to still have her with us this year. My head is filled with thoughts of how things "should" be: I should be Christmas shopping for two babies, I should have a little full of life one year old running around, I should be trying to keep all of the decorations out of reach, My house should be full of giggles and laughter of siblings playing (and a little fussing too), I should be buying coordinating Christmas outfits for Christmas card photos, I should...., I should..., I should..., but I'm not. Memories of last year have intensified these feelings, because who could have known that at Mason's birthday party last year we were only going to have a month left with our precious Angel. I tried to live every moment like it was her last, but you always feel like you could have done more. Needless to say, I have a bad case of the Holiday Blues, and my procrastination is because I know that pulling out all of those cherished treasures we created last year (that I'm so blessed to have) will be painful to see as well.Susan and Michaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08110118305057431391noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7173802289817866379.post-46248343865362530612009-11-18T18:23:00.002-06:002009-11-18T18:37:21.036-06:00So Much to Be Thankful ForLast year we OBVIOUSLY had A LOT to be thankful for, and like I stated a couple of posts ago, it has been a little difficult getting geared up for this year's upcoming holidays. We knew we were thankful for the memories that we have of Allie, but now we have even more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. Mason received a good report yesterday and Michael received a good report today! Yay! I am one happy gal :) Thank you for your prayers. We continue to count our blessings each day, and we are so grateful for God's strength to help us through.Susan and Michaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08110118305057431391noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7173802289817866379.post-26143686255083204072009-11-17T19:17:00.002-06:002009-11-17T19:22:39.750-06:00One down and one to goWell, we received a good report on Mason today. He just has a mild form of asthma that can be taken care of with medication. Oh, we are so thankful to hear this news. I am so grateful for all of your thoughts and prayers. We have Michael's test tomorrow and I am praying for the same result (good news). Thank you again for sending some extra prayers our way this week.Susan and Michaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08110118305057431391noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7173802289817866379.post-67320719413203526232009-11-15T20:14:00.002-06:002009-11-15T22:09:54.917-06:00Halloween and moreHa, it has been so chaotic around our house that I thought I had already shared Halloween pictures. Oh well, I guess it is never too late. I think it had to do with all we were going through during that time. I think it is safe to say that we were tricked instead of treated :) I came down with the flu and Michael and Mason had the HORRIBLE stomach virus. For the first time ever, I missed taking my little man trick-or-treating. Thankfully, he had his virus early enough that he didn't have to miss out on the fun and was able to go with his Mimi and Papa, but it was still heart breaking for mommy. He had a blast nonetheless, which is all that matters. So here are a few photos of our little Blue Angel pilot :) There are also a few photos from the JSU game that we went to this weekend and a few of Allie's Halloween and fall decorations at her site. We were saved by our neighbors on Saturday, when they invited us to the game, in more ways than one. Michael and I were a little down, to say the least, with the stress of worrying about all of their upcoming tests this week and the fact that it was Allie's 10 month Angel Day Anniversary. You know it is strange that sometimes we can be okay with the anniversary days and on others we are not. Something about it being the number 10 and marking being without her twice the amount of time that I got to have her just bothered me. Who knows, it could be because of the holidays approaching and my aching desire for her to be here to celebrate them with us, or her Angel Day now only being 2 months away and bringing back such intense memories, etc... Anyway, like I said, we were both down and a little snappy :), which can also happen sometimes in marriage even when you are not going through depression, when our wonderful neighbors invited us to the JSU game. It was a beautiful day and great for doing something outdoors, and we knew Mason would LOVE it, so we agreed to go- - first save. Soon on our journey we were almost regretting our decision. We stopped by to get something to eat on our way because we were going to meet up with them at the game. Mason likes to roll down the back window in the car and yell out his order now when we go through a drive through, and this time was no different except for the fact that his window would not roll back up afterwards (great). I saved his drink so that he would not spill it on himself while we were moving, and of course when I hand him his drink after we had stopped, and Michael was working on the window, what does he do but spill it all over himself. We called Jennifer and Steve to let them know what was going on and that we would be there soon and just happened to think to ask if the gate accepted credit cards. Well, guess what, they didn't. Do you think we had any cash on us. Typically, this would have been fine because we would have just used our ATM card to get some cash, but a few months ago Michael thought his wallet was stollen and cancelled everything. We broke the devastating news to Mason that even though we had told him we were going to a game and drove him all the way up there that we would not be able to go to the game now. This was not pretty. But, again, our neighbors came to the rescue and took care of our way into the game--second save. What wonderful friends we have! The boys had a blast and even showed out a little for the other little cutie you see in the pictures. I don't know why I always have a "story" to tell when I go somewhere, but it seems to work out that way pretty often. I'm not too sure that is a good thing :)<br /><br /> <embed type="application/x-shockwave-flash" src="http://picasaweb.google.com/s/c/bin/slideshow.swf" width="400" height="267" flashvars="host=picasaweb.google.com&hl=en_US&feat=flashalbum&RGB=0x000000&feed=http%3A%2F%2Fpicasaweb.google.com%2Fdata%2Ffeed%2Fapi%2Fuser%2FMichaelandSusanBrewer%2Falbumid%2F5404536893940748849%3Falt%3Drss%26kind%3Dphoto%26hl%3Den_US" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer"></embed> <br /><br />P.S.<br />Please pray for Mason and Michael this week as they both go for further testing, and I would like to add another special prayer request. Jim Murrell,a friend of ours that was only a couple of years ahead of us in school, is in very serious condition. His mother-in-law was also the heavenly Hospice Nurse that cared for Allie like she was her own grand-child. Jim Murrell is in heart failure, and due to the map work complications of his heart, he is not a candidate for a heart transplant. He is a preacher in Mississippi and married with two young children. Their youngest child was recently diagnosed with a mild form of Autism and his wife suffers from serious health issues as well. Even through all of these hardships they are still able to remain faithful. This family needs all of the prayers and help that they can get, because insurance will not cover pre-existing conditions. I'm sure they will appreciate any additional prayers that you can send their way. You can also visit them at www.philadelphiachurchofchrist.com Thank you again.Susan and Michaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08110118305057431391noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7173802289817866379.post-65356754183470864952009-10-27T16:34:00.003-05:002009-10-27T17:11:26.785-05:00You Be the JudgeIt has been a little difficult getting into the holiday spirit this year. Once you have lost a loved one, holidays are no longer the same. We can be thankful that we were able to create some holiday memories with Allie, but they are still <em>memories</em>, which means she is no longer here to create new ones. Well, we have a few traditions that we try to do every year around this time, and even though it was a little tough we still wanted to participate in a few of the activities for Mason. This past weekend we went to the Pumpkin Patch, which was emotional at times but well worth it in the end. Mason had a great time riding toy tractors, walking through the corn maze, picking cotton, riding on the hay ride, petting the farm animals, looking at crafts, eating "cotton corn" (cotton candy- he combined cotton candy and candy corn I guess), picking out the perfect pumpkin, and who knew you could have so much fun with bails of hay! It was a terrific experience for him and we enjoyed it as well. We ended the night with a wonderful Halloween party where they went on a "haunted hay ride" through the forest. Well, I didn't realize that the hayride was going to be a haunted hayride with people dressed up in costumes jumping out with chain saws and leaf blowers (lol). I was really worried about Mason, but if you ask him what his favorite part of the party was he will say,"I liked the hay ride when the munsters jumped out." Michael and I also have another tradition that we have done since we have been married, and that is we like to have a pumpkin carving contest. It is just between the two of us and it is all in good fun, so we decided to do it again this year. Mason does his part by helping us clean the inside and picking out the designs, and he enjoys getting to paint his pumpkins :) So this year I thought I would let you be the judge. Can you figure out who did which design? Thanks<br /><br /><embed type="application/x-shockwave-flash" src="http://picasaweb.google.com/s/c/bin/slideshow.swf" width="400" height="267" flashvars="host=picasaweb.google.com&hl=en_US&feat=flashalbum&RGB=0x000000&feed=http%3A%2F%2Fpicasaweb.google.com%2Fdata%2Ffeed%2Fapi%2Fuser%2FMichaelandSusanBrewer%2Falbumid%2F5397403075263082081%3Falt%3Drss%26kind%3Dphoto%26hl%3Den_US" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer"></embed>Susan and Michaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08110118305057431391noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7173802289817866379.post-56682759719969489332009-10-22T20:14:00.004-05:002009-10-22T21:15:35.143-05:00A Walk to RememberRMC Bereavement Services host a memorial each year to honor the special lives of our babies. It is titled "A Walk to Remember" and they provide the families with a lovely meal, and then everyone walks around Oxford Lake to remember their loved ones. We were also able to order T-shirts with their names. This was my first one to attend and boy did they brake me in good. They asked me to speak at this event; talk about making your heart stop:) I am not a speaker by any means so those poor people got stuck having listening to me. This really is a great program that they have for grieving families, and we found out that they have other events throughout the year as well. We felt honored to have the chance to share Allie's story, and it was nice getting to talk with some of the other parents. Thank you RMC for taking the time to put this wonderful event together for us in memory of our precious little ones.<br /><br /><br />P.S.<br />Thanks to all for your prayers. Michael received his results from the catscan and they have ruled out Crohn's disease. He still has to go for some further testing to find out what the bad area is in his intestines, but hopefully it will just be something minor that they can remove and take care of the problem. The scan did show that he had pnemonia, so that is probably why he has felt so bad recently (no telling how long he has had that- you know how it is trying to get men to go to the doctor). Thanks again.Susan and Michaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08110118305057431391noreply@blogger.com6