A broken shell

Depression:

Definition (just my personal thoughts): That ache in the pit of your stomach that you wake up with every day for the rest of your life after witnessing your child suffer and then leave the physical world.


I know there are some that feel losing a child at such a young age would not be as hard as losing a child that is older.  I can understand this thinking, because the longer you have with someone the more attached you grow to them, and it gets harder to say goodbye.  Let me ask this question though, could you have said goodbye to your almost 5 month old child?  It's painful at every age.  It has been 5 years since I had to let her go, and I still feel the pain of her loss.  This pain will never go away.  I have to adapt to this new me.  I have an introverted personality, and I like to keep to myself when I'm dealing with issues.  I don't like announcing to the world that I'm struggling, and that most days I feel like an egg.  I do my best to show this perfect outer shell to the rest of the world (to appear that I'm ok), but in reality if my outer shell were broken, then the horrible, raw, gooey stuff would ooze out.  It feels so fragile most days.  I wish it were something that I could control, but it is not.  It has been 5 years and I'm not sitting and moping about it every second, but that feeling still remains.  Some turn to drugs, or alcohol, or other things to get rid of it.  I turn to junk food :)  I know that it is only temporary and that it will give me health problems later, but at the moment I just want it to stop and I want to replace that sad feeling inside with something that is going to make me feel warm and fuzzy inside (and sweets always make me feel warm and fuzzy inside).  There are also days that I just don't want to get out of bed, and then I feel guilty for losing precious time with my other blessings.  They help me so much!  I hate that my life took that turn.  I feel like it has caused me to be a horrible mother, wife, and Christian most days.  I hope I get credit for effort :)  Sorry that this post seems so negative, but it is one of the few times a year that I allow myself to vent and hopefully help someone else that may be able to relate to the situation.  I'm missing my Allie, especially today!  This is one of those times when 5 years feels like an eternity.  Can't wait to see her again!        


 

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Unexpected Blessings

It amazes me to witness a plan take place that was not your intention, but you later discover that it was always part of God's intention.  This is how I feel about our newest addition to the family, Ella Grace Brewer.  I have to be honest...when I first found out I was pregnant with her, I cried for weeks!  However, I was not crying for the reasons that most would be crying.  I'm not sure if this is something that all parents experience after losing a child or not, but after losing Allie, Michael and I turned into extremely panicky parents.  I mean, we can easily freak out over a wart or something.  We really have to fight the urge to keep them in protective bubbles that are permanently attached to us so that we know they are always safe...LOL.  So, where most would immediately start thinking of all the inconveniences that come along with having ANOTHER child, our minds immediately go to all of the things that can go wrong with the pregnancy or birth that would cause us to lose the child.  The worry and fear is so intense and overwhelming that it feels almost unbearable.  It is a big struggle for me to find that faith that I once had.  Satan definitely found my weakness.  God continues to give me opportunities to build my faith again, though :)  We did not "plan" to add another child to our family, and at first I was so consumed with the worries that I couldn't see the bigger picture.  I believe God sent Ella to us, because it was perfect timing.  A few months back when many mothers' eyes were filled with tears because they were registering their baby for Kindergarten, mine were filled with tears because I knew of one that should have been registering this year but would never get the chance.  Had she have still been with us, my Little Allie would have been starting Kindergarten this year on her 5th birthday!  Can't believe she would have already been five years old!  He KNEW this was going to be an emotional summer and starting of school for us, and I really believe that He sent us another little angel to add some extra happiness to help us through.  Allie's new baby sister has been just the little spark this family has needed.  Mason helped us survive, Reese brought us back to life, and Ella has added happiness.  I'm feeling very blessed and thankful for those unexpected blessings!         

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Just a Date

January 14th...Just another ordinary day to most, but it is a date that sends daggers straight to my heart.  It is amazing how just a date on the calendar can bring you to your knees, but that is exactly what this date does to me.  It just holds too many painful memories for me, and every year when it rolls around it just reminds me of how hard it was to say goodbye to that precious little angel.  Allie's final days were tough to witness, and it is not how I like to remember her.  But, for some reason on this date, my mind takes me right back to those last moments in that hospital room.  It is like I can block them out all year long, but when January hits my barrier crumbles.  Everything about this time of year causes those memories to flood my mind. 

Losing Allie was the most difficult task I've ever had to face, and it completely changed me.  It left me feeling depressed and hopeless, and I still struggle to find that spark that I once had.  As tough as it is to deal with, I have to find a way to keep going.  So, how do you do it?  How do you keep the strength to hold onto life?  Well, I have two blessings on Earth that need me and one more on the way, so that is a big part of what keeps me going.  Many, many, many prayers is another.  Holding on to the happy memories that we shared with Allie is a huge help as well.  I love thinking about her in Heaven and imagining what she might be doing at this age and stage of her life.  Is it similar to what she would like to do on Earth at her age?  I like to think that she plays a big part in our lives still.  I wonder if she had anything to do with our new little, surprise, blessing on the way?  She's probably laughing about that one.  :)  She would have been starting Kindergarten in the Fall, so I like to think she sent me a bundle of joy to keep my mind occupied.  Who knows?   

So, this is the battle in my everyday life...Let this horrible depression take me down and keep me in bed all day long, or dig deep to find happiness that I can hold onto to get me through one more day.  Even though dates like this are tough, and they bring up a lot of bad memories that I don't like to think about, I can still find happiness in her story.  It's just a date, and you can't appreciate the good without the bad, right?  That depression still kicks my tail some days, but I like to think that I'm doing well.

Thinking of you today and always, Allie!  Sending some extra butterfly kisses your way.  I love you and miss you. 

           

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4 Years Later...

Wow, this August has been a tough one.  Not sure why it has been harder than previous ones, but I have been an emotional basket case the past few weeks.  I believe it is due to the fact that over the summer I was thinking about the back-to-school date for this year.  The students will not begin until the 20th, which is later than we have usually started for the past several years.  So, I was enjoying the thought of how nice it was going to be to finally not be at work on her Birthday (since the 19th fell on a Sunday this year), and then it hit me...next year would have been Allie's 5th Birthday!  Can you believe that?  She would have been starting school next year, and on her actual 5th Birthday!  I was supposed to have a child going into Kindergarten when Mason went to 2nd grade.  Things would have been so different around our house if we had a 6 year old and a 4 year old running around instead of 6 year old and an almost 2 year old!  Would we have still had Reese if Allie had been healthy?  How different would it have been to have three little ones with us instead of only two?  Would Allie have had Reese's personality, Mason's personality, a combination of their personalities, or a completely different personality?  Would Allie and Mason have had as close of a relationship as Mason and Reese?  As you can tell, my thoughts ran wild.

 I really try hard not to let these emotions and questions get the best of me (because I have a husband and two small kids that need me), but sometimes I break.  It is always tougher on the months or dates that I associate with a specific memory of her (like her Birthday month).  I'm always thinking about her, but when August rolls around I crumble.  And I know it is coming, but I can't seem to stop it from happening.  It is almost like telling someone they better not smile, and then they imediately start smiling.  So, I've just learned to cope like anyone else does that is grieving.  Trying to manage these feelings, is pretty much a daily process, because there is a constant sadness inside of me that eats away and eventually breaks through to the surface (and I hate when it comes to the surface for others to see).  I would love to make it go away, but I know it will always be a part of me. 

Continuous pain tends to wear you down, and I think that the pain of grief is no exception.  I feel that it wears on my emotions, because I try my best to keep going when I really don't feel like going anymore.  It is quite difficult to show something on the outside that doesn't match what you are feeling on the inside, and then this drains me physically.  I do better some days than others, but it upsets me to think that I will always be this way, and that I just have to learn how to cope with this new personality instead of it just going away and letting me feel like the "old me".  I liked the old me better, and it wasn't near as hard because it just came natural :)  Nothing feels natural now. 

I miss my Allie so much, and I wish things could have been different but they can't.  I wish she was here to celebrate her 4th Birthday.  I wish her smiles and giggles were filling our home, and that she was here to play with her brother and sister.  I wish she were in my arms recieving tons of hugs and kisses, but these things can only be wishes.  I can't change them, and I can only try to find new ways to cope, and try to replace the sadness with happy memories of her.  She made so many accomplishments in her short little time here, and I'm so proud of what a fight she gave.  Thankfully, I have God and my loving family to depend on for help.  They bring me my little moments of bliss to help get me through, and they understand me, and they don't fault me for having a bad day or month ;).  They love me unconditionally, and I couldn't ask for anything better.

I love you Allie, and I hope you are having a glorious Birthday up in Heaven!  Happy 4th Birthday!  Sending lots of butterfly kisses your way.

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Happy 3rd Angel Day, Allie!

Three years ago today my sweet baby angel spread her wings. I was told that it takes about that long after a loss to begin putting the pieces of yourself back together. I'm starting to see that little by little. My days are not perfect and there are even times that I feel like I'm going backwards instead of forward, but somehow I learn to just keep going. Not sure how it happens, I just know that it is only by the grace of God. I'm sure Heaven rejoiced on this day three years ago, but it left a permanent hole in my heart. Maybe one day I will be strong enough to rejoice as well. As for now, I can't help but wish for her to be back in my arms. I long to just dream of her, so that I can see her once again. As you can see, I still have a long way to go, but I feel like I can definitely say that I am in a better state of mind now than I was three years ago. So time does change the pain (I can't say that it takes it all away or heals it, but it does help). My imagination runs wild when I try to think of what she might look like now, and I can't help but smile when I think of her running and playing in Heaven with all of the other sweet angels. For some reason, I always picture her with redish, brown, curly hair, wearing a white dress, and twirling :) It is also interesting to me that her baby sister, Reese, LOVES to twirl, and does so on a regular basis (I need to research and find out how common it is for a one year old to be able to twirl ). God truely blessed us with Allie, and we cannot be more thankful for the opportunity we were given (to be the parents of an angel). Our love for her is so strong, and she will forever remain in our hearts. My prayer is that God will continue to let us have more good days than bad, and that he will show us the best ways to use our experience to help others and spread His glory. We are thinking of you, Allie, today and always! We love you and miss you very much.

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A New View

Well, my sweet little angel would have been three today. Wow! I can almost hear her giggles. How happy she must be in Heaven running and playing with the other angels! My imagination can run wild with thoughts of what she would have looked like at the age of three, what she would have been doing by now, what type of personality she would have had, etc....Oh, what a happy mommy I will be when the time comes to get to see her face again! My heart overfills with joy just to think of holding her in my arms and kissing that sweet little forehead. How I miss those sweet forehead kisses. It would have been so fun to have her here in our family. Things are different without her. I would love for her to be here celebrating with us, but I'll just be thankful for the time I had and enjoy the precious memories. My most favorite way to keep her memory alive is through butterflies, and whether you belive it or not I truly believe that God sends me a special butterfly every year for her birthday. It is usually on the actual day that I see that unexpected butterfly in a peculiar place, but this year it came early, and it got me to thinking about feelings. As I held the butterfly on my finger and thought of Allie, it was the first time in a LONG time that I could honestly say that I felt okay. It felt so nice to have that feeling, because just a few short weeks ago I would not have had that same response.

Unknown to most, I was having severe emotional problems and still struggling with the loss of Allie. I could even sense that something was wrong, but I didn't have the knowledge of how it could be "fixed". The majority of the population would probably think that having a baby after you have lost a child would change everything and you would miraculously be happy again. WRONG!!!! It may happen for some, but this was definitely not the case for me. In fact, I got worse after having Reese. Having Reese somehow made me miss Allie even more, and watching her quickly conquer one milestone after another just made me think of what I missed with Allie. It was so bad that I mistakenly called, Reese, Allie for the the 1st month of her life and all of this only made me feel like a horrible mother. There was guilt coming in from every direction. Needless to say, the wall I had so carefully placed around me, to keep others from seeing how I really felt, was slowy caving in on me. (I have the horrible "people pleaser" trait, and in my eyes I thought my problems would just make others uncomfortable, so I tried to hide the fact that I was crumbling inside). I put on a good show for a while, but it finally reached a point where those closest to me could see past the act. They heard the fake laughs, and saw the dried away tears, and felt the heart-broken mother inside calling for help. I was miserable, and I was just going through the motions of what I needed to do each day (nothing more). All emotional connections had been lost. I couldn't connect with the world, I coudln't connect with my family, and I coudln't even connect with God! (Heart breaking, I know).

After many breakdowns and pleas for help, we seeked help. We talked with our precious preacher, Jeff, and the crumbling walls finally ceased. It was a relief to discover that I was not going insane, but that I was just depressed :) His sessions were very helpful, and I could slowly begin to see the light. One of his suggestions was to write again, because it is an outlet for me. So, what better way to break the barrier than to share my emotional struggles on her birthday when I have discovered a new view: That I am going to be okay, and it is okay to have a bad day from time to time (they're expected), and I will ALWAYS miss her and hold a special place in my heart just for her, and it is ok to still live my life and love my family as well. Thank you for allowing me to share my true emotions with you. I love you Allie, and I hope you have a wonderful 3rd birthday up in Heaven! I miss you terribly, and I'm sending some butterfly kisses your way to hold you until we meet again.

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Allie's 2nd Amgel Day

Well, we meet again- the blank canvas for my emotions. It's been quite a journey to get to this point, but here I am two years later. I thought I'd die right along beside her, but through God's strength He managed to keep me going. My heart will never fully recover, but I'm here. I'm here to share her precious story with others. I'm here to help comfort those that share my pain. I'm here to teach my children that you just keep going when life knocks you down. I'm here to show my children how to depend on God to get you through the tough times, and I'm here to watch Allie's memory live on through them. I'm not going to say that it is any easier today, two years later, because I still have days that bring me to my knees, but as time passes my breakdowns do grow further apart. There are still so many more things I wish she could have enjoyed with us. It would have been so precious to watch her grow with Reese. Today I will think of her and about the little girl she might have been, but smile at the little angel she has become. Mommy loves you and misses you, sweet Allie.



These are a few pictures we were able to capture of a butterfly on Allie's Butterfly Bush we have planted in her memory.

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