Allie's 2nd Amgel Day

Well, we meet again- the blank canvas for my emotions. It's been quite a journey to get to this point, but here I am two years later. I thought I'd die right along beside her, but through God's strength He managed to keep me going. My heart will never fully recover, but I'm here. I'm here to share her precious story with others. I'm here to help comfort those that share my pain. I'm here to teach my children that you just keep going when life knocks you down. I'm here to show my children how to depend on God to get you through the tough times, and I'm here to watch Allie's memory live on through them. I'm not going to say that it is any easier today, two years later, because I still have days that bring me to my knees, but as time passes my breakdowns do grow further apart. There are still so many more things I wish she could have enjoyed with us. It would have been so precious to watch her grow with Reese. Today I will think of her and about the little girl she might have been, but smile at the little angel she has become. Mommy loves you and misses you, sweet Allie.



These are a few pictures we were able to capture of a butterfly on Allie's Butterfly Bush we have planted in her memory.

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Happy 2nd Birthday to Our Sweet Little Little Angel, Allie!

Dear Allie,

Oh, how I wish you were here to celebrate this special day! I miss you more than words can express, and I often pray for God to let me dream of you at night. What I would give for that split second: to see you again, to feel as though I am with you again, to catch a whiff of your adorable baby scent again, to see your smile again, to hold you in my arms again, to kiss you again. I'm left with only memories, which I keep so dear to my heart. So many things have happened that I wish you could experience with us here on Earth.

One, is the fact that you are going to be a big sister! How precious it would have been to have my sweet girls playing together. We also traveled to Disney World this past summer, and every time a little girl passed by I thought of you and how much you would have loved seeing the princesses. I would also have loved for you to witness how much your big brother loves you. He misses you tremendously, and he still asks and talks about you all the time. It really shows in how much he worries about your new baby sis. The experience has been quite difficult for us all, but we have faith that we will see you again.

Mason continues to be his curious self and asks many questions that are even hard for your daddy and me to answer sometimes. One that sticks out in my mind, especially on days like today, is, "Will Allie grow old in Heaven?" This one always makes me think. When I see other two year olds walking and talking, it is easy for me to question and try to imagine what you would have been like here on Earth as a two year old. Would you still have your red hair, or would it have turned blonde like your brother's? Would it be curly or straight? Would you be shy and quiet, or a little 'pistol'? What color would your eyes have been? What would your voice sound like? What type of laugh would you have? How badly would you have your daddy wrapped around your little finger? :) These are all characteristics that are easy for me imagine because they are characteristics that I am familiar with on Earth, but I don't know what it is like in Heaven. Your birthday makes me revert back to your brother's question, and I try to think about what you might be like now. Are you still my precious tiny baby that gets held and loved on by Angels and loved ones, or are you a bubbly toddler that's full of energy and happiness, or are you a completely different Being that we cannot even comprehend until we get to Heaven? I know what I like to believe to be true, and I guess that is just what I will continue doing until I see you again in Heaven.

I hope you have a wonderful Birthday in Heaven, and please know that Mommy, Daddy, and Mason will be thinking of you today like always! We love you so much, and we thank God for allowing us to be your family. You continue to be such a blessing to us, and today we celebrate you! We miss you so much baby girl! Happy 2nd Birthday!

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Overwhelmed with Emotions

Well, as you can see I've been a little busy these days and haven't been able to post to the blog in quite a while. During my absence, we received some wonderful news that most have already discovered. We found out in March that we were going to be expecting a new bundle of joy in our lives, and we just recently found out that it is going to be another sweet baby girl. Michael, Mason, and I are exuberant!

Although very exciting, this news has also brought a new flood of emotions to the table. This was something that I didn't actually expect to ever see in our future, because I was sure that I would never be strong enough to take that leap of faith again. It took me over a year to even touch anything in Allie's room (feeling as though if anything was misplaced, then I was somehow losing another piece of her). It was all I had left to hold onto, and I didn't want to let go this time. As time passed, we decided that something had to be done, because it was becoming just as hurtful going into a precious nursery, that should be filled with love and sweet giggles, and only finding emptiness. So many times Michael found me in that room lost in tears, therefore it was time. We slowly and carefully began packing her things away. The things that we could not store we decided to give away, because we knew we were not going to have anymore children :) We also decided to turn the new available space into Mason's new playroom, because we knew that we were not going to have anymore children :) Well, I find it quite funny sometimes how God works, because not too long after we had 'de-babyfied' our house (because we were not going to have anymore children) the thoughts of a new baby started entering our minds. (Isn't it wonderful how God can change your heart?) So, soon after we had decided that we were okay with taking that leap of faith again, the news of a new little one entering our lives arrived.

I knew it was going to be tough (emotionally) because our emotions are still so vulnerable and you cannot help but to have that fear of losing another child, but you don't know how tough until you actually experience it. At first the pregnancy made me miss Allie even more than I already did, and I just wanted her back in my arms. Then the fearful memories returned as I approached each pregnancy milestone, and the fear was so strong that it consumed me (I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think, I felt as though I was sinking back into depression, and it was almost too much to handle) Then my sweet, sweet doctor and nurses brought me in for an early ultrasound. Just seeing the little fluttering heartbeat relaxed all my fears. I know God placed these sweet people into my life and they continued to bring me in every two weeks just for peace of mind. We've finally built up to going just once a month, but sometimes four weeks sure does seem like a LONG time :) We've made it half way, but still have a long way to go. We didn't do any testing this time because we just wanted to enjoy what we have while we have it, so we technically will not be out of the woods until she's born. I can't wait to have this sweet baby girl safe in my arms, but I know I just have to be patient :)

Mason is just beside himself that he's getting another baby sister, but he has his worries as well. It's been tough for the little guy, and we try to calm his fears as much as possible, but even that is difficult sometimes. I mean how do you answer questions like: "Mommy, are you sure we are going to get to keep this baby forever?" Even though we struggle, time has caused us all to have more good days than before. We still have our bad days, and I guess those will always be a part of our lives. What would have been Allie's 2 year birthday is approaching fast, and just like last year my emotions seem to be getting the best of me. We continue to do our best to get through and find the positive in our situation just like in the fact that we feel so lucky to have the memory of her birthday, because it was such a glorious day to celebrate. We cannot thank you enough for all of the prayers and support you have provided and continue to provide. I'll keep you posted on our progress with the new addition :)

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National Trisomy 18 Awareness Day

Today is National Trisomy 18 Awareness Day, and I'm thinking of my precious angel, Allie. This special day was chosen to honor Allie and many other babies like her, because it is the 18th day of the third month. Babies with Trisomy 18 have a third copy of the 18th chromosome, therefore making March 18th a good choice for honoring them.

Our Little Angel is already waiting on us in Heaven along with many other Trisomy 18 Angels, but there are so many others that are still putting up the fight. I want to commend the Trisomy 18 Foundation and Victoria Miller at this time for all of the hard work and effort they put towards Trisomy 18 resources and research. Thank you. Not a day goes by that Allie is not in my thoughts, and nothing would make me happier than to see a day when parents would be able to spend more time with their special babies.

Coping with the loss of a child is extremely difficult for all family members, and we continue to struggle with our efforts. It breaks my heart to see my four year old have to struggle as well. It almost feels unfair that, at such a young age, he has to deal with this horrible pain that most don't face until adulthood. Allie remains in his thoughts too. My heart melts when he says things like: "Mommy, I'm sending a kiss way up high to Heaven for Allie." "Here's an extra hug for Allie." "I miss my sweet Little Allie, I wish she could come back to play with me." "I got (this) to give to Allie." and "One day I'm going to be so happy when I get to Heaven and see Allie." Isn't he just the most kind hearted little man you've ever seen.

It is so easy to focus on the negative when you have so much pain, but on this day, to honor Allie, I'm thinking of all the positives that she brought into my life. Yeah, I only got to spend a little less than five months with her, but that is almost five months that some mothers never got. I learned more about being a mother and a Christian in those short four and a half months, than I have in my entire thirty years of life. I'm thankful that God blessed our lives with Allie, and I'm so honored that he chose us to be this Little Angel's parents while on this Earth.

Please say a prayer for all of the Trisomy 18 babies that continue to fight, and for the loving parents that provide them with a nurturing environment, and for the parents with empty arms that are waiting to reunite with their little ones again one day in Heaven. If you have a little one to squeeze and hold, make sure you cherish every moment and always show them how much you love them. Thank you.


You can click on this link to view a slideshow of Allie and other Trisomy 18 babies being honorned today.

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We Caved.....

Well, we did it. We said we were not going to, but we did. We tried our best to convince him to wait one more year, but are you kidding me this is Mason we're talking about. He eats, sleeps, and breathes it. We couldn't deprive him any longer. He has begged to do this since he was two, so we caved. Therefore, our little man is now signed up for t-ball :) Oh, it just doesn't seem right! He should not be old enough to play t-ball. Did everyone else know they let them play at four now?!? I know he will LOVE it. He is already so excited. We were mainly worried about him knowing how to play on a team instead of in the back yard with mommy and daddy (where there is no down time and he gets to hit almost every time). But, I guess he has to learn sometime. And I guess mommy has to learn to let go a little :) He has his first tryouts next Saturday and IT begins.

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On a Happier Note....

Sorry, my posts from November to January have been so grueling. I guess that was just my emotional place at the time and I had to let it all out. Thank you all for listening and providing comfort during those lowly times. I wanted to change the tone a little with this post, so I am writing about something happy that has happened with Allie's story. A few weeks back I received an email from a very sweet young lady wanting to use Allie's information for her school project. They were given an assignment to research a disorder and present their findings to the class. She had chosen Trisomy 18 and came across my precious Allie's story during her research. She put together a fabulous PowerPoint presentation which included some information about Trisomy 18 and some pictures of Allie along with many other precious T18 babies. When she informed me of how the presentation went, she told me that she had decided to just print out a copy of Allie's story from the T18 website to go along with her presentation. She said the other students were amazed by her story and just how beautiful Allie was, and that they were all asking if they could keep the printout for themselves afterwards. That just warms a mother's heart. I want to give a special thanks to Sarah for doing such a wonderful job and getting the word out there to a few more people about Trisomy 18.

P.S.
Michael finally convinced me to take the plunge and cross over into the 21st century. I am now on facebook. :)

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For all you Facebookers.....I need your help.

First of all, I would like to thank you all again for your wonderful love and support. Your comments, cards, calls, emails, and gifts were so touching and comforting. To see so many remember Allie on her Angel Day meant so much to us. It was the perfect reminder of how many lives she touched and how much she is still loved.

With that being said, I try to get the awareness for Trisomy 18 out there as much as possible to help her memory live on as well. I have received an important message from Victoria Miller, the founder of Trisomy 18 Foundation, about an opportunity for the foundation to win $1 million toward the cause. This is a fabulous site for parents, friends, and family of T18 babies. Michael and I depended on its many resources to help get us through on several occasions and still use them to this day. All we have to do is vote. The only problem is that it is a Facebook challenge, and I do not have a Facebook account. I know, I know--you didn't realize there were still some of us out there that had not crossed over into the Facebook world yet, but there is. (I may be the only one, but there is at least one) :) So, I thought I could at least try to get the word out there to all of my bloggie buddies that have Facebook accounts or know of others that have an account. I would greatly appreciate you taking a minute to visit this site and voting for the Trisomy 18 foundation in memory of my sweet Allie. Don't forget to pass the message along to all of your friends also. Thank you all again. (Ends January 22)

http://www.trisomy18.org/site/R?i=grOklHdmkP1Y6pLYtvaU4Q..

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