Friday, July 16, 2010

Overwhelmed with Emotions

Well, as you can see I've been a little busy these days and haven't been able to post to the blog in quite a while. During my absence, we received some wonderful news that most have already discovered. We found out in March that we were going to be expecting a new bundle of joy in our lives, and we just recently found out that it is going to be another sweet baby girl. Michael, Mason, and I are exuberant!

Although very exciting, this news has also brought a new flood of emotions to the table. This was something that I didn't actually expect to ever see in our future, because I was sure that I would never be strong enough to take that leap of faith again. It took me over a year to even touch anything in Allie's room (feeling as though if anything was misplaced, then I was somehow losing another piece of her). It was all I had left to hold onto, and I didn't want to let go this time. As time passed, we decided that something had to be done, because it was becoming just as hurtful going into a precious nursery, that should be filled with love and sweet giggles, and only finding emptiness. So many times Michael found me in that room lost in tears, therefore it was time. We slowly and carefully began packing her things away. The things that we could not store we decided to give away, because we knew we were not going to have anymore children :) We also decided to turn the new available space into Mason's new playroom, because we knew that we were not going to have anymore children :) Well, I find it quite funny sometimes how God works, because not too long after we had 'de-babyfied' our house (because we were not going to have anymore children) the thoughts of a new baby started entering our minds. (Isn't it wonderful how God can change your heart?) So, soon after we had decided that we were okay with taking that leap of faith again, the news of a new little one entering our lives arrived.

I knew it was going to be tough (emotionally) because our emotions are still so vulnerable and you cannot help but to have that fear of losing another child, but you don't know how tough until you actually experience it. At first the pregnancy made me miss Allie even more than I already did, and I just wanted her back in my arms. Then the fearful memories returned as I approached each pregnancy milestone, and the fear was so strong that it consumed me (I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think, I felt as though I was sinking back into depression, and it was almost too much to handle) Then my sweet, sweet doctor and nurses brought me in for an early ultrasound. Just seeing the little fluttering heartbeat relaxed all my fears. I know God placed these sweet people into my life and they continued to bring me in every two weeks just for peace of mind. We've finally built up to going just once a month, but sometimes four weeks sure does seem like a LONG time :) We've made it half way, but still have a long way to go. We didn't do any testing this time because we just wanted to enjoy what we have while we have it, so we technically will not be out of the woods until she's born. I can't wait to have this sweet baby girl safe in my arms, but I know I just have to be patient :)

Mason is just beside himself that he's getting another baby sister, but he has his worries as well. It's been tough for the little guy, and we try to calm his fears as much as possible, but even that is difficult sometimes. I mean how do you answer questions like: "Mommy, are you sure we are going to get to keep this baby forever?" Even though we struggle, time has caused us all to have more good days than before. We still have our bad days, and I guess those will always be a part of our lives. What would have been Allie's 2 year birthday is approaching fast, and just like last year my emotions seem to be getting the best of me. We continue to do our best to get through and find the positive in our situation just like in the fact that we feel so lucky to have the memory of her birthday, because it was such a glorious day to celebrate. We cannot thank you enough for all of the prayers and support you have provided and continue to provide. I'll keep you posted on our progress with the new addition :)


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