Thursday, August 8, 2013

Unexpected Blessings

It amazes me to witness a plan take place that was not your intention, but you later discover that it was always part of God's intention.  This is how I feel about our newest addition to the family, Ella Grace Brewer.  I have to be honest...when I first found out I was pregnant with her, I cried for weeks!  However, I was not crying for the reasons that most would be crying.  I'm not sure if this is something that all parents experience after losing a child or not, but after losing Allie, Michael and I turned into extremely panicky parents.  I mean, we can easily freak out over a wart or something.  We really have to fight the urge to keep them in protective bubbles that are permanently attached to us so that we know they are always safe...LOL.  So, where most would immediately start thinking of all the inconveniences that come along with having ANOTHER child, our minds immediately go to all of the things that can go wrong with the pregnancy or birth that would cause us to lose the child.  The worry and fear is so intense and overwhelming that it feels almost unbearable.  It is a big struggle for me to find that faith that I once had.  Satan definitely found my weakness.  God continues to give me opportunities to build my faith again, though :)  We did not "plan" to add another child to our family, and at first I was so consumed with the worries that I couldn't see the bigger picture.  I believe God sent Ella to us, because it was perfect timing.  A few months back when many mothers' eyes were filled with tears because they were registering their baby for Kindergarten, mine were filled with tears because I knew of one that should have been registering this year but would never get the chance.  Had she have still been with us, my Little Allie would have been starting Kindergarten this year on her 5th birthday!  Can't believe she would have already been five years old!  He KNEW this was going to be an emotional summer and starting of school for us, and I really believe that He sent us another little angel to add some extra happiness to help us through.  Allie's new baby sister has been just the little spark this family has needed.  Mason helped us survive, Reese brought us back to life, and Ella has added happiness.  I'm feeling very blessed and thankful for those unexpected blessings!         


Sunday, January 13, 2013

Just a Date

January 14th...Just another ordinary day to most, but it is a date that sends daggers straight to my heart.  It is amazing how just a date on the calendar can bring you to your knees, but that is exactly what this date does to me.  It just holds too many painful memories for me, and every year when it rolls around it just reminds me of how hard it was to say goodbye to that precious little angel.  Allie's final days were tough to witness, and it is not how I like to remember her.  But, for some reason on this date, my mind takes me right back to those last moments in that hospital room.  It is like I can block them out all year long, but when January hits my barrier crumbles.  Everything about this time of year causes those memories to flood my mind. 

Losing Allie was the most difficult task I've ever had to face, and it completely changed me.  It left me feeling depressed and hopeless, and I still struggle to find that spark that I once had.  As tough as it is to deal with, I have to find a way to keep going.  So, how do you do it?  How do you keep the strength to hold onto life?  Well, I have two blessings on Earth that need me and one more on the way, so that is a big part of what keeps me going.  Many, many, many prayers is another.  Holding on to the happy memories that we shared with Allie is a huge help as well.  I love thinking about her in Heaven and imagining what she might be doing at this age and stage of her life.  Is it similar to what she would like to do on Earth at her age?  I like to think that she plays a big part in our lives still.  I wonder if she had anything to do with our new little, surprise, blessing on the way?  She's probably laughing about that one.  :)  She would have been starting Kindergarten in the Fall, so I like to think she sent me a bundle of joy to keep my mind occupied.  Who knows?   

So, this is the battle in my everyday life...Let this horrible depression take me down and keep me in bed all day long, or dig deep to find happiness that I can hold onto to get me through one more day.  Even though dates like this are tough, and they bring up a lot of bad memories that I don't like to think about, I can still find happiness in her story.  It's just a date, and you can't appreciate the good without the bad, right?  That depression still kicks my tail some days, but I like to think that I'm doing well.

Thinking of you today and always, Allie!  Sending some extra butterfly kisses your way.  I love you and miss you. 



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