Friday, August 19, 2011

A New View

Well, my sweet little angel would have been three today. Wow! I can almost hear her giggles. How happy she must be in Heaven running and playing with the other angels! My imagination can run wild with thoughts of what she would have looked like at the age of three, what she would have been doing by now, what type of personality she would have had, etc....Oh, what a happy mommy I will be when the time comes to get to see her face again! My heart overfills with joy just to think of holding her in my arms and kissing that sweet little forehead. How I miss those sweet forehead kisses. It would have been so fun to have her here in our family. Things are different without her. I would love for her to be here celebrating with us, but I'll just be thankful for the time I had and enjoy the precious memories. My most favorite way to keep her memory alive is through butterflies, and whether you belive it or not I truly believe that God sends me a special butterfly every year for her birthday. It is usually on the actual day that I see that unexpected butterfly in a peculiar place, but this year it came early, and it got me to thinking about feelings. As I held the butterfly on my finger and thought of Allie, it was the first time in a LONG time that I could honestly say that I felt okay. It felt so nice to have that feeling, because just a few short weeks ago I would not have had that same response.
Unknown to most, I was having severe emotional problems and still struggling with the loss of Allie. I could even sense that something was wrong, but I didn't have the knowledge of how it could be "fixed". The majority of the population would probably think that having a baby after you have lost a child would change everything and you would miraculously be happy again. WRONG!!!! It may happen for some, but this was definitely not the case for me. In fact, I got worse after having Reese. Having Reese somehow made me miss Allie even more, and watching her quickly conquer one milestone after another just made me think of what I missed with Allie. It was so bad that I mistakenly called, Reese, Allie for the the 1st month of her life and all of this only made me feel like a horrible mother. There was guilt coming in from every direction. Needless to say, the wall I had so carefully placed around me, to keep others from seeing how I really felt, was slowy caving in on me. (I have the horrible "people pleaser" trait, and in my eyes I thought my problems would just make others uncomfortable, so I tried to hide the fact that I was crumbling inside). I put on a good show for a while, but it finally reached a point where those closest to me could see past the act. They heard the fake laughs, and saw the dried away tears, and felt the heart-broken mother inside calling for help. I was miserable, and I was just going through the motions of what I needed to do each day (nothing more). All emotional connections had been lost. I couldn't connect with the world, I coudln't connect with my family, and I coudln't even connect with God! (Heart breaking, I know).
After many breakdowns and pleas for help, we seeked help. We talked with our precious preacher, Jeff, and the crumbling walls finally ceased. It was a relief to discover that I was not going insane, but that I was just depressed :) His sessions were very helpful, and I could slowly begin to see the light. One of his suggestions was to write again, because it is an outlet for me. So, what better way to break the barrier than to share my emotional struggles on her birthday when I have discovered a new view: That I am going to be okay, and it is okay to have a bad day from time to time (they're expected), and I will ALWAYS miss her and hold a special place in my heart just for her, and it is ok to still live my life and love my family as well. Thank you for allowing me to share my true emotions with you. I love you Allie, and I hope you have a wonderful 3rd birthday up in Heaven! I miss you terribly, and I'm sending some butterfly kisses your way to hold you until we meet again.


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