Friday, August 19, 2011

A New View


Well, my sweet little angel would have been three today. Wow! I can almost hear her giggles. How happy she must be in Heaven running and playing with the other angels! My imagination can run wild with thoughts of what she would have looked like at the age of three, what she would have been doing by now, what type of personality she would have had, etc....Oh, what a happy mommy I will be when the time comes to get to see her face again! My heart overfills with joy just to think of holding her in my arms and kissing that sweet little forehead. How I miss those sweet forehead kisses. It would have been so fun to have her here in our family. Things are different without her. I would love for her to be here celebrating with us, but I'll just be thankful for the time I had and enjoy the precious memories. My most favorite way to keep her memory alive is through butterflies, and whether you belive it or not I truly believe that God sends me a special butterfly every year for her birthday. It is usually on the actual day that I see that unexpected butterfly in a peculiar place, but this year it came early, and it got me to thinking about feelings. As I held the butterfly on my finger and thought of Allie, it was the first time in a LONG time that I could honestly say that I felt okay. It felt so nice to have that feeling, because just a few short weeks ago I would not have had that same response.
Unknown to most, I was having severe emotional problems and still struggling with the loss of Allie. I could even sense that something was wrong, but I didn't have the knowledge of how it could be "fixed". The majority of the population would probably think that having a baby after you have lost a child would change everything and you would miraculously be happy again. WRONG!!!! It may happen for some, but this was definitely not the case for me. In fact, I got worse after having Reese. Having Reese somehow made me miss Allie even more, and watching her quickly conquer one milestone after another just made me think of what I missed with Allie. It was so bad that I mistakenly called, Reese, Allie for the the 1st month of her life and all of this only made me feel like a horrible mother. There was guilt coming in from every direction. Needless to say, the wall I had so carefully placed around me, to keep others from seeing how I really felt, was slowy caving in on me. (I have the horrible "people pleaser" trait, and in my eyes I thought my problems would just make others uncomfortable, so I tried to hide the fact that I was crumbling inside). I put on a good show for a while, but it finally reached a point where those closest to me could see past the act. They heard the fake laughs, and saw the dried away tears, and felt the heart-broken mother inside calling for help. I was miserable, and I was just going through the motions of what I needed to do each day (nothing more). All emotional connections had been lost. I couldn't connect with the world, I coudln't connect with my family, and I coudln't even connect with God! (Heart breaking, I know).
After many breakdowns and pleas for help, we seeked help. We talked with our precious preacher, Jeff, and the crumbling walls finally ceased. It was a relief to discover that I was not going insane, but that I was just depressed :) His sessions were very helpful, and I could slowly begin to see the light. One of his suggestions was to write again, because it is an outlet for me. So, what better way to break the barrier than to share my emotional struggles on her birthday when I have discovered a new view: That I am going to be okay, and it is okay to have a bad day from time to time (they're expected), and I will ALWAYS miss her and hold a special place in my heart just for her, and it is ok to still live my life and love my family as well. Thank you for allowing me to share my true emotions with you. I love you Allie, and I hope you have a wonderful 3rd birthday up in Heaven! I miss you terribly, and I'm sending some butterfly kisses your way to hold you until we meet again.

7 comments:

Carla August 19, 2011 at 11:05 AM  

Thankyou for sharing some of those deep dark places you have gone as you heal and survive the loss of Allie. I'm so glad to hear that you sought out some council. Sometimes it just helps to know that your feelings are a "normal" part of grieving and not insanity. Keep writing and sharing...you never know who will find hope through your own authenticity.

Anonymous,  August 19, 2011 at 2:18 PM  

You are such a strong woman. I could never imagine how hard this was for you and still is. Your story is amazing and I'm glad you shared it. Not many people can get to the place your finally at. It takes its toll on them and they are never able to recover. My blessings go out to you and your beautiful family. I'm truly glad that you are starting to heal. I'm sure your story will help lots of other families. Crystal Aguilar

Anonymous,  August 19, 2011 at 4:46 PM  

My dearest Michael and Susan you both have been so courageous. But, their are times we just cannot go on without dealing with our depression.
I havn't in any way faced the difficults that y'all have, but I have been in the dark hole of depression and it is a consent fight to stay out of the dark hole. It is so wonderful that ya'll got help! If I didn't have my God and Dr. to help we though I don't know what I would do.
One thing I have learned over the years like the Bible says"this to shall pass" It maybe better or worst but it will change.
If you ever need anyone to talk to please let me know I cannot begin to know your feelings but I do something about dealing with depresson. I Love Y'all so much and I too wish Baby Allie a happy 3rd birthday I like to think that my Mother is rocking and singing to her everyday. Love,Susan

maggie August 19, 2011 at 8:07 PM  

Susan- you are an amazing woman! It takes a very courageous woman with amazing strength to share such personal information! God is truly working through you to help others and you should be very proud of yourself. What you and Michael have experienced is the most unimaginable thing that any parent could go through. For both of you to continue forward with such strength and courage speaks volumes of what God is working in and through you both. I am so proud to know you both! May God continue to heal you both! Mason and Reece are blessed to have you both as parents. Ally is watching over all of you and getting to do what we all desire to do one day, spend daily time with Jesus in person! Thank you for sharing! Love you guys! Maggie Nelson Powell

maggie August 19, 2011 at 8:07 PM  

Susan- you are an amazing woman! It takes a very courageous woman with amazing strength to share such personal information! God is truly working through you to help others and you should be very proud of yourself. What you and Michael have experienced is the most unimaginable thing that any parent could go through. For both of you to continue forward with such strength and courage speaks volumes of what God is working in and through you both. I am so proud to know you both! May God continue to heal you both! Mason and Reece are blessed to have you both as parents. Ally is watching over all of you and getting to do what we all desire to do one day, spend daily time with Jesus in person! Thank you for sharing! Love you guys! Maggie Nelson Powell

Jed August 20, 2011 at 3:17 PM  

You are an amazing woman and an inspiration to so many. Sharing these emotions takes such strength. Thank you so much for writing this. I am glad to see you are beginning to heal. You have a beautiful family here on earth and a beautuful angel in heaven. Allie is looking down on all of you with pride and love.
Sending much love,
Lynne

KayLa Campbell,  August 22, 2011 at 8:57 AM  

I completely understand about it getting harder after reese was born. i was the same way with the twins..i felt like everything they did just made me think of all the things i missed out on with brandon. im glad to know im not the only one..it made me feel like it was taking away from the job of there milestones. im thinking about you susan and i love you, i hate that we both have to celebrate our babies birthdays with flowers and baloons instead of cake and presents. if you need anything let me know..and i would love to come visit you sometime..my talks with you helped me alot.

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