Just a Date

January 14th...Just another ordinary day to most, but it is a date that sends daggers straight to my heart.  It is amazing how just a date on the calendar can bring you to your knees, but that is exactly what this date does to me.  It just holds too many painful memories for me, and every year when it rolls around it just reminds me of how hard it was to say goodbye to that precious little angel.  Allie's final days were tough to witness, and it is not how I like to remember her.  But, for some reason on this date, my mind takes me right back to those last moments in that hospital room.  It is like I can block them out all year long, but when January hits my barrier crumbles.  Everything about this time of year causes those memories to flood my mind. 

Losing Allie was the most difficult task I've ever had to face, and it completely changed me.  It left me feeling depressed and hopeless, and I still struggle to find that spark that I once had.  As tough as it is to deal with, I have to find a way to keep going.  So, how do you do it?  How do you keep the strength to hold onto life?  Well, I have two blessings on Earth that need me and one more on the way, so that is a big part of what keeps me going.  Many, many, many prayers is another.  Holding on to the happy memories that we shared with Allie is a huge help as well.  I love thinking about her in Heaven and imagining what she might be doing at this age and stage of her life.  Is it similar to what she would like to do on Earth at her age?  I like to think that she plays a big part in our lives still.  I wonder if she had anything to do with our new little, surprise, blessing on the way?  She's probably laughing about that one.  :)  She would have been starting Kindergarten in the Fall, so I like to think she sent me a bundle of joy to keep my mind occupied.  Who knows?   

So, this is the battle in my everyday life...Let this horrible depression take me down and keep me in bed all day long, or dig deep to find happiness that I can hold onto to get me through one more day.  Even though dates like this are tough, and they bring up a lot of bad memories that I don't like to think about, I can still find happiness in her story.  It's just a date, and you can't appreciate the good without the bad, right?  That depression still kicks my tail some days, but I like to think that I'm doing well.

Thinking of you today and always, Allie!  Sending some extra butterfly kisses your way.  I love you and miss you. 

           

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4 Years Later...

Wow, this August has been a tough one.  Not sure why it has been harder than previous ones, but I have been an emotional basket case the past few weeks.  I believe it is due to the fact that over the summer I was thinking about the back-to-school date for this year.  The students will not begin until the 20th, which is later than we have usually started for the past several years.  So, I was enjoying the thought of how nice it was going to be to finally not be at work on her Birthday (since the 19th fell on a Sunday this year), and then it hit me...next year would have been Allie's 5th Birthday!  Can you believe that?  She would have been starting school next year, and on her actual 5th Birthday!  I was supposed to have a child going into Kindergarten when Mason went to 2nd grade.  Things would have been so different around our house if we had a 6 year old and a 4 year old running around instead of 6 year old and an almost 2 year old!  Would we have still had Reese if Allie had been healthy?  How different would it have been to have three little ones with us instead of only two?  Would Allie have had Reese's personality, Mason's personality, a combination of their personalities, or a completely different personality?  Would Allie and Mason have had as close of a relationship as Mason and Reese?  As you can tell, my thoughts ran wild.

 I really try hard not to let these emotions and questions get the best of me (because I have a husband and two small kids that need me), but sometimes I break.  It is always tougher on the months or dates that I associate with a specific memory of her (like her Birthday month).  I'm always thinking about her, but when August rolls around I crumble.  And I know it is coming, but I can't seem to stop it from happening.  It is almost like telling someone they better not smile, and then they imediately start smiling.  So, I've just learned to cope like anyone else does that is grieving.  Trying to manage these feelings, is pretty much a daily process, because there is a constant sadness inside of me that eats away and eventually breaks through to the surface (and I hate when it comes to the surface for others to see).  I would love to make it go away, but I know it will always be a part of me. 

Continuous pain tends to wear you down, and I think that the pain of grief is no exception.  I feel that it wears on my emotions, because I try my best to keep going when I really don't feel like going anymore.  It is quite difficult to show something on the outside that doesn't match what you are feeling on the inside, and then this drains me physically.  I do better some days than others, but it upsets me to think that I will always be this way, and that I just have to learn how to cope with this new personality instead of it just going away and letting me feel like the "old me".  I liked the old me better, and it wasn't near as hard because it just came natural :)  Nothing feels natural now. 

I miss my Allie so much, and I wish things could have been different but they can't.  I wish she was here to celebrate her 4th Birthday.  I wish her smiles and giggles were filling our home, and that she was here to play with her brother and sister.  I wish she were in my arms recieving tons of hugs and kisses, but these things can only be wishes.  I can't change them, and I can only try to find new ways to cope, and try to replace the sadness with happy memories of her.  She made so many accomplishments in her short little time here, and I'm so proud of what a fight she gave.  Thankfully, I have God and my loving family to depend on for help.  They bring me my little moments of bliss to help get me through, and they understand me, and they don't fault me for having a bad day or month ;).  They love me unconditionally, and I couldn't ask for anything better.

I love you Allie, and I hope you are having a glorious Birthday up in Heaven!  Happy 4th Birthday!  Sending lots of butterfly kisses your way.

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Happy 3rd Angel Day, Allie!

Three years ago today my sweet baby angel spread her wings. I was told that it takes about that long after a loss to begin putting the pieces of yourself back together. I'm starting to see that little by little. My days are not perfect and there are even times that I feel like I'm going backwards instead of forward, but somehow I learn to just keep going. Not sure how it happens, I just know that it is only by the grace of God. I'm sure Heaven rejoiced on this day three years ago, but it left a permanent hole in my heart. Maybe one day I will be strong enough to rejoice as well. As for now, I can't help but wish for her to be back in my arms. I long to just dream of her, so that I can see her once again. As you can see, I still have a long way to go, but I feel like I can definitely say that I am in a better state of mind now than I was three years ago. So time does change the pain (I can't say that it takes it all away or heals it, but it does help). My imagination runs wild when I try to think of what she might look like now, and I can't help but smile when I think of her running and playing in Heaven with all of the other sweet angels. For some reason, I always picture her with redish, brown, curly hair, wearing a white dress, and twirling :) It is also interesting to me that her baby sister, Reese, LOVES to twirl, and does so on a regular basis (I need to research and find out how common it is for a one year old to be able to twirl ). God truely blessed us with Allie, and we cannot be more thankful for the opportunity we were given (to be the parents of an angel). Our love for her is so strong, and she will forever remain in our hearts. My prayer is that God will continue to let us have more good days than bad, and that he will show us the best ways to use our experience to help others and spread His glory. We are thinking of you, Allie, today and always! We love you and miss you very much.

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A New View

Well, my sweet little angel would have been three today. Wow! I can almost hear her giggles. How happy she must be in Heaven running and playing with the other angels! My imagination can run wild with thoughts of what she would have looked like at the age of three, what she would have been doing by now, what type of personality she would have had, etc....Oh, what a happy mommy I will be when the time comes to get to see her face again! My heart overfills with joy just to think of holding her in my arms and kissing that sweet little forehead. How I miss those sweet forehead kisses. It would have been so fun to have her here in our family. Things are different without her. I would love for her to be here celebrating with us, but I'll just be thankful for the time I had and enjoy the precious memories. My most favorite way to keep her memory alive is through butterflies, and whether you belive it or not I truly believe that God sends me a special butterfly every year for her birthday. It is usually on the actual day that I see that unexpected butterfly in a peculiar place, but this year it came early, and it got me to thinking about feelings. As I held the butterfly on my finger and thought of Allie, it was the first time in a LONG time that I could honestly say that I felt okay. It felt so nice to have that feeling, because just a few short weeks ago I would not have had that same response.

Unknown to most, I was having severe emotional problems and still struggling with the loss of Allie. I could even sense that something was wrong, but I didn't have the knowledge of how it could be "fixed". The majority of the population would probably think that having a baby after you have lost a child would change everything and you would miraculously be happy again. WRONG!!!! It may happen for some, but this was definitely not the case for me. In fact, I got worse after having Reese. Having Reese somehow made me miss Allie even more, and watching her quickly conquer one milestone after another just made me think of what I missed with Allie. It was so bad that I mistakenly called, Reese, Allie for the the 1st month of her life and all of this only made me feel like a horrible mother. There was guilt coming in from every direction. Needless to say, the wall I had so carefully placed around me, to keep others from seeing how I really felt, was slowy caving in on me. (I have the horrible "people pleaser" trait, and in my eyes I thought my problems would just make others uncomfortable, so I tried to hide the fact that I was crumbling inside). I put on a good show for a while, but it finally reached a point where those closest to me could see past the act. They heard the fake laughs, and saw the dried away tears, and felt the heart-broken mother inside calling for help. I was miserable, and I was just going through the motions of what I needed to do each day (nothing more). All emotional connections had been lost. I couldn't connect with the world, I coudln't connect with my family, and I coudln't even connect with God! (Heart breaking, I know).

After many breakdowns and pleas for help, we seeked help. We talked with our precious preacher, Jeff, and the crumbling walls finally ceased. It was a relief to discover that I was not going insane, but that I was just depressed :) His sessions were very helpful, and I could slowly begin to see the light. One of his suggestions was to write again, because it is an outlet for me. So, what better way to break the barrier than to share my emotional struggles on her birthday when I have discovered a new view: That I am going to be okay, and it is okay to have a bad day from time to time (they're expected), and I will ALWAYS miss her and hold a special place in my heart just for her, and it is ok to still live my life and love my family as well. Thank you for allowing me to share my true emotions with you. I love you Allie, and I hope you have a wonderful 3rd birthday up in Heaven! I miss you terribly, and I'm sending some butterfly kisses your way to hold you until we meet again.

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Allie's 2nd Amgel Day

Well, we meet again- the blank canvas for my emotions. It's been quite a journey to get to this point, but here I am two years later. I thought I'd die right along beside her, but through God's strength He managed to keep me going. My heart will never fully recover, but I'm here. I'm here to share her precious story with others. I'm here to help comfort those that share my pain. I'm here to teach my children that you just keep going when life knocks you down. I'm here to show my children how to depend on God to get you through the tough times, and I'm here to watch Allie's memory live on through them. I'm not going to say that it is any easier today, two years later, because I still have days that bring me to my knees, but as time passes my breakdowns do grow further apart. There are still so many more things I wish she could have enjoyed with us. It would have been so precious to watch her grow with Reese. Today I will think of her and about the little girl she might have been, but smile at the little angel she has become. Mommy loves you and misses you, sweet Allie.



These are a few pictures we were able to capture of a butterfly on Allie's Butterfly Bush we have planted in her memory.

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Happy 2nd Birthday to Our Sweet Little Little Angel, Allie!

Dear Allie,

Oh, how I wish you were here to celebrate this special day! I miss you more than words can express, and I often pray for God to let me dream of you at night. What I would give for that split second: to see you again, to feel as though I am with you again, to catch a whiff of your adorable baby scent again, to see your smile again, to hold you in my arms again, to kiss you again. I'm left with only memories, which I keep so dear to my heart. So many things have happened that I wish you could experience with us here on Earth.

One, is the fact that you are going to be a big sister! How precious it would have been to have my sweet girls playing together. We also traveled to Disney World this past summer, and every time a little girl passed by I thought of you and how much you would have loved seeing the princesses. I would also have loved for you to witness how much your big brother loves you. He misses you tremendously, and he still asks and talks about you all the time. It really shows in how much he worries about your new baby sis. The experience has been quite difficult for us all, but we have faith that we will see you again.

Mason continues to be his curious self and asks many questions that are even hard for your daddy and me to answer sometimes. One that sticks out in my mind, especially on days like today, is, "Will Allie grow old in Heaven?" This one always makes me think. When I see other two year olds walking and talking, it is easy for me to question and try to imagine what you would have been like here on Earth as a two year old. Would you still have your red hair, or would it have turned blonde like your brother's? Would it be curly or straight? Would you be shy and quiet, or a little 'pistol'? What color would your eyes have been? What would your voice sound like? What type of laugh would you have? How badly would you have your daddy wrapped around your little finger? :) These are all characteristics that are easy for me imagine because they are characteristics that I am familiar with on Earth, but I don't know what it is like in Heaven. Your birthday makes me revert back to your brother's question, and I try to think about what you might be like now. Are you still my precious tiny baby that gets held and loved on by Angels and loved ones, or are you a bubbly toddler that's full of energy and happiness, or are you a completely different Being that we cannot even comprehend until we get to Heaven? I know what I like to believe to be true, and I guess that is just what I will continue doing until I see you again in Heaven.

I hope you have a wonderful Birthday in Heaven, and please know that Mommy, Daddy, and Mason will be thinking of you today like always! We love you so much, and we thank God for allowing us to be your family. You continue to be such a blessing to us, and today we celebrate you! We miss you so much baby girl! Happy 2nd Birthday!

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Overwhelmed with Emotions

Well, as you can see I've been a little busy these days and haven't been able to post to the blog in quite a while. During my absence, we received some wonderful news that most have already discovered. We found out in March that we were going to be expecting a new bundle of joy in our lives, and we just recently found out that it is going to be another sweet baby girl. Michael, Mason, and I are exuberant!

Although very exciting, this news has also brought a new flood of emotions to the table. This was something that I didn't actually expect to ever see in our future, because I was sure that I would never be strong enough to take that leap of faith again. It took me over a year to even touch anything in Allie's room (feeling as though if anything was misplaced, then I was somehow losing another piece of her). It was all I had left to hold onto, and I didn't want to let go this time. As time passed, we decided that something had to be done, because it was becoming just as hurtful going into a precious nursery, that should be filled with love and sweet giggles, and only finding emptiness. So many times Michael found me in that room lost in tears, therefore it was time. We slowly and carefully began packing her things away. The things that we could not store we decided to give away, because we knew we were not going to have anymore children :) We also decided to turn the new available space into Mason's new playroom, because we knew that we were not going to have anymore children :) Well, I find it quite funny sometimes how God works, because not too long after we had 'de-babyfied' our house (because we were not going to have anymore children) the thoughts of a new baby started entering our minds. (Isn't it wonderful how God can change your heart?) So, soon after we had decided that we were okay with taking that leap of faith again, the news of a new little one entering our lives arrived.

I knew it was going to be tough (emotionally) because our emotions are still so vulnerable and you cannot help but to have that fear of losing another child, but you don't know how tough until you actually experience it. At first the pregnancy made me miss Allie even more than I already did, and I just wanted her back in my arms. Then the fearful memories returned as I approached each pregnancy milestone, and the fear was so strong that it consumed me (I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think, I felt as though I was sinking back into depression, and it was almost too much to handle) Then my sweet, sweet doctor and nurses brought me in for an early ultrasound. Just seeing the little fluttering heartbeat relaxed all my fears. I know God placed these sweet people into my life and they continued to bring me in every two weeks just for peace of mind. We've finally built up to going just once a month, but sometimes four weeks sure does seem like a LONG time :) We've made it half way, but still have a long way to go. We didn't do any testing this time because we just wanted to enjoy what we have while we have it, so we technically will not be out of the woods until she's born. I can't wait to have this sweet baby girl safe in my arms, but I know I just have to be patient :)

Mason is just beside himself that he's getting another baby sister, but he has his worries as well. It's been tough for the little guy, and we try to calm his fears as much as possible, but even that is difficult sometimes. I mean how do you answer questions like: "Mommy, are you sure we are going to get to keep this baby forever?" Even though we struggle, time has caused us all to have more good days than before. We still have our bad days, and I guess those will always be a part of our lives. What would have been Allie's 2 year birthday is approaching fast, and just like last year my emotions seem to be getting the best of me. We continue to do our best to get through and find the positive in our situation just like in the fact that we feel so lucky to have the memory of her birthday, because it was such a glorious day to celebrate. We cannot thank you enough for all of the prayers and support you have provided and continue to provide. I'll keep you posted on our progress with the new addition :)

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