Tuesday, January 14, 2014

A broken shell


Definition (just my personal thoughts): That ache in the pit of your stomach that you wake up with every day for the rest of your life after witnessing your child suffer and then leave the physical world.

I know there are some that feel losing a child at such a young age would not be as hard as losing a child that is older.  I can understand this thinking, because the longer you have with someone the more attached you grow to them, and it gets harder to say goodbye.  Let me ask this question though, could you have said goodbye to your almost 5 month old child?  It's painful at every age.  It has been 5 years since I had to let her go, and I still feel the pain of her loss.  This pain will never go away.  I have to adapt to this new me.  I have an introverted personality, and I like to keep to myself when I'm dealing with issues.  I don't like announcing to the world that I'm struggling, and that most days I feel like an egg.  I do my best to show this perfect outer shell to the rest of the world (to appear that I'm ok), but in reality if my outer shell were broken, then the horrible, raw, gooey stuff would ooze out.  It feels so fragile most days.  I wish it were something that I could control, but it is not.  It has been 5 years and I'm not sitting and moping about it every second, but that feeling still remains.  Some turn to drugs, or alcohol, or other things to get rid of it.  I turn to junk food :)  I know that it is only temporary and that it will give me health problems later, but at the moment I just want it to stop and I want to replace that sad feeling inside with something that is going to make me feel warm and fuzzy inside (and sweets always make me feel warm and fuzzy inside).  There are also days that I just don't want to get out of bed, and then I feel guilty for losing precious time with my other blessings.  They help me so much!  I hate that my life took that turn.  I feel like it has caused me to be a horrible mother, wife, and Christian most days.  I hope I get credit for effort :)  Sorry that this post seems so negative, but it is one of the few times a year that I allow myself to vent and hopefully help someone else that may be able to relate to the situation.  I'm missing my Allie, especially today!  This is one of those times when 5 years feels like an eternity.  Can't wait to see her again!        



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