Tuesday, January 14, 2014

A broken shell

Depression:

Definition (just my personal thoughts): That ache in the pit of your stomach that you wake up with every day for the rest of your life after witnessing your child suffer and then leave the physical world.


I know there are some that feel losing a child at such a young age would not be as hard as losing a child that is older.  I can understand this thinking, because the longer you have with someone the more attached you grow to them, and it gets harder to say goodbye.  Let me ask this question though, could you have said goodbye to your almost 5 month old child?  It's painful at every age.  It has been 5 years since I had to let her go, and I still feel the pain of her loss.  This pain will never go away.  I have to adapt to this new me.  I have an introverted personality, and I like to keep to myself when I'm dealing with issues.  I don't like announcing to the world that I'm struggling, and that most days I feel like an egg.  I do my best to show this perfect outer shell to the rest of the world (to appear that I'm ok), but in reality if my outer shell were broken, then the horrible, raw, gooey stuff would ooze out.  It feels so fragile most days.  I wish it were something that I could control, but it is not.  It has been 5 years and I'm not sitting and moping about it every second, but that feeling still remains.  Some turn to drugs, or alcohol, or other things to get rid of it.  I turn to junk food :)  I know that it is only temporary and that it will give me health problems later, but at the moment I just want it to stop and I want to replace that sad feeling inside with something that is going to make me feel warm and fuzzy inside (and sweets always make me feel warm and fuzzy inside).  There are also days that I just don't want to get out of bed, and then I feel guilty for losing precious time with my other blessings.  They help me so much!  I hate that my life took that turn.  I feel like it has caused me to be a horrible mother, wife, and Christian most days.  I hope I get credit for effort :)  Sorry that this post seems so negative, but it is one of the few times a year that I allow myself to vent and hopefully help someone else that may be able to relate to the situation.  I'm missing my Allie, especially today!  This is one of those times when 5 years feels like an eternity.  Can't wait to see her again!        


 

8 comments:

Linda,  January 14, 2014 at 8:31 AM  

Susan, I am thankful you have this day you can 'let out' your feelings. Can't keep them inside too long. You and Michael were fantastic parents to Allie and are wonderful parents to Mason, Reese, and Ella. Eat a few sweets. You'll burn up the calories trying to keep up with your other blessings! :) We love you very much and have been thinking of you both and will continue to pray for Michael and you!

Nicole,  January 14, 2014 at 9:36 AM  

I know exactly what you are saying. Everything changes when you lose a child. You just get use to a new "normal". The pain is constant and some days just overwhelming. I am always here if you need someone to talk to or cry with. My prayers are with you and Michael as well as you kids and family. You are a wonderful person and an awesome wife and Mother. Anyone who comes in contact with you can see that. I love you!

kayla Campbell,  January 14, 2014 at 12:15 PM  

i completely understand...i feel the same way. i have days where i don't wanna get out of bed...5 years ago sounds like a lifetime ago....but is not really any easier.

Jennifer,  January 14, 2014 at 12:21 PM  

Susan-Keep doing what helps you get through tough times and even daily struggles-but continue to take care of yourself. We love you and your family! HUGS for your broken heart and prayers always.
(Mathew 5:4)

matt honaker January 14, 2014 at 7:32 PM  

Sending Butterfly Kisses your way!!! We love all of you!! You are an awesome individual. Always keep God walking with you!!!

matt honaker January 14, 2014 at 7:33 PM  

just to let you know Stacie is using Matt's computer. :-)

Susan Brewer January 14, 2014 at 10:06 PM  

Thank you all so much! Your words and encouragement have helped me tremendously.

P.S. too funny, Stacie :)

Jed February 10, 2014 at 11:26 AM  

I am so sorry to see you are still struggling so. You are an amazing person and you have so much strength to get you through this. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I can only imagine what you are going through losing a precious child. I am sure she is in heaven looking down at you and your beautiful family.

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