Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Happy 1st Birthday to Our Angel in Heaven

Dear Allie,

I told myself that I wasn't going to cry today. Well, at least not a lot anyway, because I wanted to remember that today was the celebration of a joyous occasion. One year ago today God sent us one of his most precious angels. I can remember everything so vividly, as though it were yesterday, and I remember Dr. Ballard giving us ALL of the reasons that we had to induce (because she knew that I wasn't for it). I couldn't choose a day to induce, because I thought that I would be choosing the day that my baby was going to die. But, one year ago today, you proved the whole world wrong. You came into this life a little fighter, and we did not have to say goodbye on your birthday like we had all thought. Therefore, the reason I want to remember your birthday as a happy day. You were so precious and the tiniest baby your Daddy and I had ever held. I remember trying to quickly wipe away my tears, as I held you in my arms, because I wanted to make sure that I could see every inch of you clearly. I remember your Daddy's precious smile as he held you in his arms for the fist time. I remember how proud your brother was to finally get to kiss and hug you. You were a blessing from day one, and the number of lives you have touched is countless. It feels like an eternity since I have held you in my arms, and most days I just don't know how I am going to make it, but somehow I manage. I wish so bad that you could have been here to celebrate you 1st birthday, and I want to kiss your sweet little head more than anyone could ever know. The pain of knowing that you have a sweet, precious baby that you cannot hold or love on is almost unbearable. Big brother still asks about you a lot, and he continues to get confused from time to time. He wanted to know the other day when you were coming back since God made you better. I hope that you are having the best time up in Heaven and sharing some cake with all of your other angel friends. I wish I were there to witness your first steps, and tell you how much I love you, and give you lots of hugs and kisses. Until I can hold you in my arms again, I'm sending plenty of butterfly kisses your way. We love you and miss you tremendously, Allie. Happy 1st Birthday Baby Girl! We release these butterflies in memory of you on this special day.

"As you release this butterfly in honor of me, know that I'm with you and will always be.Hold a hand, say a prayer, close your eyes and see me there.
Although you may feel a bit torn apart, please know that I'll be forever in your heart. Now fly away butterfly as high as you can go. I'm right there with you more than you know."

~ Jill Haley


Sunday, August 9, 2009

Summer Ending

This has been a fabulous summer for me. I kept myself busy, basically, playing the entire summer away with my son. God gave me strength and allowed me to have longer periods of time in between my valleys. As the summer draws to a close, I find that I am flooded with a flashback of feelings. August is here, and I have dreaded this month all summer. August is always a little sad for teachers returning to work and ending the summer fun, but it will now forever be a difficult month for me because of it being Allie's birth month. I hate that these two coincide with each other, because the emotions and stress of starting a new year is tough enough without having additional emotional stress put in the mix.

I have to put up a fight every day just to make myself get out of bed, act as normal as possible in front of people, not to have a nervous breakdown, stay strong for my three year old, and etc... but there are some days when I can no longer put up the fight. This weekend was one of those moments. There is still so much grief that needs to escape this body of mine, and I am sure that this meltdown was brought on by the flashbacks that I have been having this week. I close my eyes and I am there (every image, every sound, every smell, every thought, every plead with God to heal my baby). As I begin my new school year that also nears what should have been her 1st birthday, I am overwhelmed. It is as though I am reliving last year all over again. My mind is clouded with the thoughts that were in my mind last year at this time. I remember all of my fears that seem so minuscule now. Will my brain always relate starting school with those feelings? Is it just because it the first year? Maybe. I've been thinking a lot about my Little Allie recently, and I have had a rather tough weekend/week. I'm sure this is not the last of it with her birthday approaching, so please say an extra prayer for us. Thank you again for everything you do.

P.S. Don't forget about Allie's butterflies if you want to send her a birthday message. Just email me a picture of a butterfly with your message to her. I'll leave you with this video of butterfly bubbles that Allie's Gamma sent. Hope you enjoy as much as I did.

Bubble Butterflies


Saturday, August 1, 2009

Always an Adventure

Sorry it has taken so long to post about our beach trip, but I have been trying to soak up all of my last little bit of summer fun before I start back to school next week. We had a really good trip and it was very meditative for Michael and me. We also managed to do a few special things in memory of Allie on her 11 month birthday. Gamma bought a gorgeous butterfly kite that we flew on the 19th, and it was such an amazing site! Others were stopping or standing on the balconies and taking pictures as well. We will save those photos for her butterfly slide show :) Michael and I were just not up to taking a family photo like we usually do when we head to the beach. Instead we took pictures of Allie's name drawn in the sand and a few of Mason by himself. I love the shot of Mason's toes at the top of her name. His curiosity got the best of him :) As always we packed in a lot of fun, and as you can see we even stopped by the airplane museum. We were actually headed to watch the Blue Angels practice, but when we arrived at the gate we discovered that it had been cancelled. His little heart was so disappointed. You know that is what he wants to be when he grows up :) Even though many of our activities were planned, there was one activity that we did not plan to happen. As we were heading home, our car decided that it wanted to stay at the beach. We were stranded! Of course, if I am going to be stranded anywhere, then I definitely want it to be at the beach. We made the best of it though. My parents were able to borrow a truck and trailer from some wonderful friends, Patty and Brice, (Thank you so much!). We walked to a nearby zoo, killed some time there, then ate lunch at a seafood restaurant next door, and headed over for all you can play putt putt golf afterwards :) So I have to say that our vacation/adventure was a wonderful trip, and I cannot wait to go back soon :)


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