4 Years Later...

Wow, this August has been a tough one.  Not sure why it has been harder than previous ones, but I have been an emotional basket case the past few weeks.  I believe it is due to the fact that over the summer I was thinking about the back-to-school date for this year.  The students will not begin until the 20th, which is later than we have usually started for the past several years.  So, I was enjoying the thought of how nice it was going to be to finally not be at work on her Birthday (since the 19th fell on a Sunday this year), and then it hit me...next year would have been Allie's 5th Birthday!  Can you believe that?  She would have been starting school next year, and on her actual 5th Birthday!  I was supposed to have a child going into Kindergarten when Mason went to 2nd grade.  Things would have been so different around our house if we had a 6 year old and a 4 year old running around instead of 6 year old and an almost 2 year old!  Would we have still had Reese if Allie had been healthy?  How different would it have been to have three little ones with us instead of only two?  Would Allie have had Reese's personality, Mason's personality, a combination of their personalities, or a completely different personality?  Would Allie and Mason have had as close of a relationship as Mason and Reese?  As you can tell, my thoughts ran wild.

 I really try hard not to let these emotions and questions get the best of me (because I have a husband and two small kids that need me), but sometimes I break.  It is always tougher on the months or dates that I associate with a specific memory of her (like her Birthday month).  I'm always thinking about her, but when August rolls around I crumble.  And I know it is coming, but I can't seem to stop it from happening.  It is almost like telling someone they better not smile, and then they imediately start smiling.  So, I've just learned to cope like anyone else does that is grieving.  Trying to manage these feelings, is pretty much a daily process, because there is a constant sadness inside of me that eats away and eventually breaks through to the surface (and I hate when it comes to the surface for others to see).  I would love to make it go away, but I know it will always be a part of me. 

Continuous pain tends to wear you down, and I think that the pain of grief is no exception.  I feel that it wears on my emotions, because I try my best to keep going when I really don't feel like going anymore.  It is quite difficult to show something on the outside that doesn't match what you are feeling on the inside, and then this drains me physically.  I do better some days than others, but it upsets me to think that I will always be this way, and that I just have to learn how to cope with this new personality instead of it just going away and letting me feel like the "old me".  I liked the old me better, and it wasn't near as hard because it just came natural :)  Nothing feels natural now. 

I miss my Allie so much, and I wish things could have been different but they can't.  I wish she was here to celebrate her 4th Birthday.  I wish her smiles and giggles were filling our home, and that she was here to play with her brother and sister.  I wish she were in my arms recieving tons of hugs and kisses, but these things can only be wishes.  I can't change them, and I can only try to find new ways to cope, and try to replace the sadness with happy memories of her.  She made so many accomplishments in her short little time here, and I'm so proud of what a fight she gave.  Thankfully, I have God and my loving family to depend on for help.  They bring me my little moments of bliss to help get me through, and they understand me, and they don't fault me for having a bad day or month ;).  They love me unconditionally, and I couldn't ask for anything better.

I love you Allie, and I hope you are having a glorious Birthday up in Heaven!  Happy 4th Birthday!  Sending lots of butterfly kisses your way.