Wow, 6 months. Our precious baby has been in the arms of Jesus for half of a year. I know I'm not supposed to, but it is really difficult most days to suppress my feelings of jealousy that she is not in my arms. Well, I guess it is more of a longing to hold her again rather than being jealous. I really miss her. Some days are still harder than others, and I cannot always pinpoint why, but I have realized that time has allowed us to have more good days than bad days. We are getting ready to make another beach trip and I am hoping that this will do us some good. I'm trying to focus on the positive instead of the negative things that depress me, like: How much I would have loved for Allie to be going with us, thinking of the things she might have been doing at the beach at almost a year old, thinking that family beach photos will never be the same, etc... My heart just hurts and I wish that things didn't have to be this way. We will be away for her 11 month birthday and I will not be able to post, so I am going to go ahead and send some more birthday butterfly kisses her way. Happy 11 months baby girl in advance, and I wish you were here with us to celebrate it at the beach! Thank you again for all of her Birthday Butterflies. They are absolutely spectacular! You have all been so sweet helping us through. We have one month left for anyone that still wants to send Allie a butterfly wish for her birthday. Just click on her button to the right to connect you to the post with all of the details. Thanks again.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Well, I have been keeping myself so busy lately that I haven't even had a chance to post about our 4th of July Holiday weekend. Honestly, prior to the holiday I had built up a lot of anxiety, but like I have stated so many times before, "God is Wonderful!" He knows our every need and exactly what to do to take care of us. Throughout our entire grief process with Allie, He has allowed our emotional struggles to see-saw back and forth so that one of us could be strong while the other was falling apart. Of course, I have done most of the falling apart while Michael has been the strong one, but lately God has been with me and allowed my emotional breakdowns to take a back seat so that I could be strong for Michael and help him.
The week before the fourth did cause my emotional see-saw to fall down again, because as I stated before I had some anxiety built up about this past weekend. For those of you that do not know, I had several baby cousins that were born around the same time as Allie, and this was going to be the first time I had seen them since Allie passed away. Please let me remind everyone that I do not get upset because there are other babies. Babies, especially the ones that are Allie's age, just remind me how much I am missing her and how much I wish she was still with me. Anyway, I had this horrible fear that I would not be able to contain my sorrow and wind up ruining every one's holiday. God knew better. He was with Michael and me every step of the way, and we had a fabulous 4th of July. Michael and I talked about how much fun we had, and how emotionally beneficial it was for both us. It has been an extremely long time since we have felt happiness, and it felt so good to be filled with laughter and surrounded by family and friends that love us. It was an awesome day, and we didn't take a single picture. Guess you will just have to take my word for it :) I hope your fourth was as great as mine!