A Walk to Remember

RMC Bereavement Services host a memorial each year to honor the special lives of our babies. It is titled "A Walk to Remember" and they provide the families with a lovely meal, and then everyone walks around Oxford Lake to remember their loved ones. We were also able to order T-shirts with their names. This was my first one to attend and boy did they brake me in good. They asked me to speak at this event; talk about making your heart stop:) I am not a speaker by any means so those poor people got stuck having listening to me. This really is a great program that they have for grieving families, and we found out that they have other events throughout the year as well. We felt honored to have the chance to share Allie's story, and it was nice getting to talk with some of the other parents. Thank you RMC for taking the time to put this wonderful event together for us in memory of our precious little ones.


P.S.
Thanks to all for your prayers. Michael received his results from the catscan and they have ruled out Crohn's disease. He still has to go for some further testing to find out what the bad area is in his intestines, but hopefully it will just be something minor that they can remove and take care of the problem. The scan did show that he had pnemonia, so that is probably why he has felt so bad recently (no telling how long he has had that- you know how it is trying to get men to go to the doctor). Thanks again.

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Prayer Request

Please keep my husband in your thoughts and prayers over the next couple of weeks. Due to some problems, he has to go for some testing. The doctors are suspecting Crohn's disease, and we are thankful at the moment that they are thinking it is something treatable, but non the less we are still worried. Our emotions are still tender with flashbacks of sitting in doctors' offices waiting for results, so we are having a little trouble handling these situations at the moment. We pray that the tests will prove to be something minor, or at least treatable, and that his problems will subside. Thank you in advance for your prayers and support as we take it one test at a time.

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Sometimes You Just Have To Let It Out

Okay, this post has been sitting in my draft box for a while. Recently when my walls felt as though they were closing in, I would sit and type it all out on the computer, but that is as far as it went. The publish button was never hit because I was not ready for the world to see. It was uncomfortable for me to share such vulnerable emotions because this is such an ugly side of grief, and I don't like for others to witness this agony. Everyone grieves differently, and sometimes it may cause you to think or do things that you would not normally. The thought of sharing this with others always scared me because I didn't want people to think bad of me for something that, for the most part, I couldn't control just because they may not understand the grief process. So it was just safer sitting in my draft box. My thoughts suddenly changed the other day when I was reminded why I created this blog in the first place. This blog was developed to share Allie's story and possibly help others going through similar experiences. How am I helping others that may be struggling with grief if I sugar coat it all? Therefore, I decided to just let it all out. The following is pretty much a summary of the emotions from my draft box:

Michael and I have, of course, have been struggling with our emotions. Probably me a little more so than Michael now, because even though we are both on the same journey we travel different paths from time to time, which is perfectly normal. He hit this latest stage a little sooner than me, so he has had more time to start pulling back out of the valley while I am now sliding head first into the valley. It is difficult trying to help each other through these tough times when you are both hurting, and we do our best, but there are also times when we have just said, "I love you and I'll meet you on the other side." This summer went really well for me. I was handling my emotions well, I was able to be strong for Michael, I was relaxed, and I was even feeling better. I honestly thought I was on the road to "recovery" (I know there is not really a true recovery from such tragedy, but you know what I mean). Then August hit, and my world turned upside down. I'm not sure if it was because of school starting back or that it was Allie's birthday month or the combination of everything, but I suddenly found myself in a very scary state of mind. I am smart enough to know that there are stages of grief that everyone tends to go through when faced with tragedy. For some reason I also believed that since I knew these stages then I could recognize what was happening and possibly just skip right through. I had just walked Michael through, so I should be fine, right? This, obviously, was not the case. My emotions seem to be caught in a whirlwind that is spinning fiercely out of control. I cannot tell heads from tails. I went from having an abundant amount of faith to having little or no faith at all. My eyes blinked and it disappeared. The devil is really good at what he does, and he knows that I am vulnerable because I am a mommy with a broken heart (easy target). I have fought, and fought, and fought, but it is just too difficult. He has me wrapped so tight in his grip that I am almost suffocating, and I'm tired. I am so tired that I am just threads away from giving up, and my thread is frayed. It would be so easy to not get out of bed anymore, it would be so easy to quit work, it would be so easy to quit going to church, it would be so easy to just stop everything. The least little bit of difficulty shuts me down completely now. I cannot handle the slightest change, the simplest decision, or the tiniest addeded stress. Being able to manage my weight feels like a lost cause at the moment because even though I know what to do to loose it and try to make myself feel better, I don't have the motivation to even get started (which just adds to the cycle, because that causes me to get depressed). To add to all of this emotional craze, I can't seem to shake the guilt. I still continue to beat myself up about things that were completely out of my hands. It is so bothersome to me that I had to watch my baby suffer (it doesn't set well with me, and I don't know if those images will ever leave my mind). I'm still taking those baby steps through this entire process, and I am praying that this stage will pass soon. There is so much anger and confusion, which upsets me because I am not typically in this state of mind, but this is one of the changes grief has brought on me. Michael and Mason are my focus at the moment and what keep me going. I know that I will eventually make it to the other side, but until then I pray that I can regain my strength to stomp that devil back down where he belongs. I hate to be so brutally honest, but I want to let others know that it is normal to feel some of these emotions when dealing with grief so they are not mislead. Please continue to pray that God will give us strength, comfort, and peace. Thank you.

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A Month's Worth of Catching Up.

Well, as you may have noticed it has been a month since my last post (Allie's, would have been, 1 year birthday to be exact), and there are many factors that have played into my absence that I may post about later, but now we have a lot of catching up to do. First, I would like to thank everyone for the overwhelming response to Allie's Birthday Butterfly Kisses. You all went above and beyond the simple request of wanting to send out a few virtual butterflies on Allie's birthday, and we wound up with a superb slide show of over 300 gorgeous butterflies to view at anytime and remember our Little Allie. What a special tribute we now have in her honor, and it is all thanks to my very special family and friends and bloggie buddies. Thank you again.

As for Allie's real butterfly release, it was absolutely precious. Many family and friends joined in the memorial. Watching the Monarch butterflies gracefully fly from their envelopes was truly an amazing site. There was so much symbolism and emotion in the release, and I was so proud that we had the opportunity to do this in Allie's memory. Afterwards we had a celebration at the house, complete with all of the food and decorations that we always did for her, to remember the happiness of the short but precious life she lived. This was such an emotional day for us, and we did the celebration because we wanted to honor her life but also because it gave us something to focus on building up to the day. It was rather difficult planning a birthday party without the guest of honor, but it was something that I knew had to be done. I collected butterfly balloons for months and just had them blown up that day, put all of the butterfly photos into the slide show, prepared for the celebration, etc. I even baked her butterfly cake and cupcakes because I knew I wouldn't be sleeping the night before her birthday anyway, and I could just focus on trying to create something beautiful for her. The memorial was beautiful and perfect for her, and we could not have been more pleased.

It is almost hard to believe that last year at this time we were having her first birthday party. It definitely wasn't your typical birthday party. It wasn't a party to celebrate an entire year of life, there were no presents stacked in the corner to be opened, and the birthday song was barely recognized through the rain of tears, but it WAS a birthday party. It was to celebrate only one month of life, but that one month was like a year to us. Most Trisomy 18 babies don't even make it to birth, but she had lived one entire month. She deserved to experience it all, even the birthday parties. I will never forget the look on the ladies face when I stepped up to the counter and said, "I would like to order a birthday cake, and I want it say Happy 1 Month Birthday!" I am now so thankful for those birthdays, and I am so proud that we were able to celebrate a few with her before she entered Heaven.

Another special moment in time:
You may also remember from last year that Auburn University dedicated the first eagle's flight to Allie. My cousin, Tina, is good friends with Marianne, the eagle trainer at AU, and after hearing Allie's story she felt the need to do something and decided that would be a special tribute for her. I am still amazed by the kindness that was out poured by everyone during those difficult times and even still. Anyway, Michael's goal this year was to go to the first Auburn game to see the eagle's flight. He knew it was going to be emotional for me, but asked anyway, and after some thought and discussion I agreed to go. It didn't take long to get things moving. Michael mentioned that we would be trying to go to his dad, and in no time he had already talked to a friend and had tickets to the first game on the way. Isn't he just the best father-in-law ever! He also knows how to choose his friends wisely :) We are very grateful to them. I am so glad that we went. It was still emotional, but I had some positives to keep in mind as well. This was Mason's first college football game, and he absolutely LOVED it! I think it is his new obsession :) Of course, we went all out. By half time he had already indulged in a true ballpark hot dog, nachos, and cotton candy. To top it all off, he ended the game with a large snow cone. Watching the eagle was also a treat. I think it was a record flight time. I'm not really sure, but I know it was the longest flight that I had ever witnessed and I heard several similar comments from others that were at the game as well. Spirit continued circling and circling and gracefully soaring as the crowd roared with its "War Eagle" ~ gives me chill bumps just thinking about it. I'm going to leave you now with a few photos of Allie's celebration and even a few "illegal" ones of Mason at the game :) Yeah, Michael and I were not thinking at all, and decided that it would be better to take the video camera because it could take both video and still images. Well, when we got up to the gate the little guy informed me that I was not allowed to take video cameras inside the stadium. Ugh...Michael and I are so unfocused these days that we didn't even think to check for items that we could take and not take in the stadium. He just gave me a sweet grin though and told me to put it away in my bag and promise not to use it. I put it away immediately and agreed to not use it, but come on, it was my son's first Auburn football game! I couldn't bare to think that I would not be able to capture one single moment of this experience, so I snuck it out for just a few shots every now and then :) (sorry)

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Happy 1st Birthday to Our Angel in Heaven

Dear Allie,

I told myself that I wasn't going to cry today. Well, at least not a lot anyway, because I wanted to remember that today was the celebration of a joyous occasion. One year ago today God sent us one of his most precious angels. I can remember everything so vividly, as though it were yesterday, and I remember Dr. Ballard giving us ALL of the reasons that we had to induce (because she knew that I wasn't for it). I couldn't choose a day to induce, because I thought that I would be choosing the day that my baby was going to die. But, one year ago today, you proved the whole world wrong. You came into this life a little fighter, and we did not have to say goodbye on your birthday like we had all thought. Therefore, the reason I want to remember your birthday as a happy day. You were so precious and the tiniest baby your Daddy and I had ever held. I remember trying to quickly wipe away my tears, as I held you in my arms, because I wanted to make sure that I could see every inch of you clearly. I remember your Daddy's precious smile as he held you in his arms for the fist time. I remember how proud your brother was to finally get to kiss and hug you. You were a blessing from day one, and the number of lives you have touched is countless. It feels like an eternity since I have held you in my arms, and most days I just don't know how I am going to make it, but somehow I manage. I wish so bad that you could have been here to celebrate you 1st birthday, and I want to kiss your sweet little head more than anyone could ever know. The pain of knowing that you have a sweet, precious baby that you cannot hold or love on is almost unbearable. Big brother still asks about you a lot, and he continues to get confused from time to time. He wanted to know the other day when you were coming back since God made you better. I hope that you are having the best time up in Heaven and sharing some cake with all of your other angel friends. I wish I were there to witness your first steps, and tell you how much I love you, and give you lots of hugs and kisses. Until I can hold you in my arms again, I'm sending plenty of butterfly kisses your way. We love you and miss you tremendously, Allie. Happy 1st Birthday Baby Girl! We release these butterflies in memory of you on this special day.



"As you release this butterfly in honor of me, know that I'm with you and will always be.Hold a hand, say a prayer, close your eyes and see me there.
Although you may feel a bit torn apart, please know that I'll be forever in your heart. Now fly away butterfly as high as you can go. I'm right there with you more than you know."

~ Jill Haley

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Summer Ending

This has been a fabulous summer for me. I kept myself busy, basically, playing the entire summer away with my son. God gave me strength and allowed me to have longer periods of time in between my valleys. As the summer draws to a close, I find that I am flooded with a flashback of feelings. August is here, and I have dreaded this month all summer. August is always a little sad for teachers returning to work and ending the summer fun, but it will now forever be a difficult month for me because of it being Allie's birth month. I hate that these two coincide with each other, because the emotions and stress of starting a new year is tough enough without having additional emotional stress put in the mix.

I have to put up a fight every day just to make myself get out of bed, act as normal as possible in front of people, not to have a nervous breakdown, stay strong for my three year old, and etc... but there are some days when I can no longer put up the fight. This weekend was one of those moments. There is still so much grief that needs to escape this body of mine, and I am sure that this meltdown was brought on by the flashbacks that I have been having this week. I close my eyes and I am there (every image, every sound, every smell, every thought, every plead with God to heal my baby). As I begin my new school year that also nears what should have been her 1st birthday, I am overwhelmed. It is as though I am reliving last year all over again. My mind is clouded with the thoughts that were in my mind last year at this time. I remember all of my fears that seem so minuscule now. Will my brain always relate starting school with those feelings? Is it just because it the first year? Maybe. I've been thinking a lot about my Little Allie recently, and I have had a rather tough weekend/week. I'm sure this is not the last of it with her birthday approaching, so please say an extra prayer for us. Thank you again for everything you do.


P.S. Don't forget about Allie's butterflies if you want to send her a birthday message. Just email me a picture of a butterfly with your message to her. I'll leave you with this video of butterfly bubbles that Allie's Gamma sent. Hope you enjoy as much as I did.

Bubble Butterflies

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Always an Adventure

Sorry it has taken so long to post about our beach trip, but I have been trying to soak up all of my last little bit of summer fun before I start back to school next week. We had a really good trip and it was very meditative for Michael and me. We also managed to do a few special things in memory of Allie on her 11 month birthday. Gamma bought a gorgeous butterfly kite that we flew on the 19th, and it was such an amazing site! Others were stopping or standing on the balconies and taking pictures as well. We will save those photos for her butterfly slide show :) Michael and I were just not up to taking a family photo like we usually do when we head to the beach. Instead we took pictures of Allie's name drawn in the sand and a few of Mason by himself. I love the shot of Mason's toes at the top of her name. His curiosity got the best of him :) As always we packed in a lot of fun, and as you can see we even stopped by the airplane museum. We were actually headed to watch the Blue Angels practice, but when we arrived at the gate we discovered that it had been cancelled. His little heart was so disappointed. You know that is what he wants to be when he grows up :) Even though many of our activities were planned, there was one activity that we did not plan to happen. As we were heading home, our car decided that it wanted to stay at the beach. We were stranded! Of course, if I am going to be stranded anywhere, then I definitely want it to be at the beach. We made the best of it though. My parents were able to borrow a truck and trailer from some wonderful friends, Patty and Brice, (Thank you so much!). We walked to a nearby zoo, killed some time there, then ate lunch at a seafood restaurant next door, and headed over for all you can play putt putt golf afterwards :) So I have to say that our vacation/adventure was a wonderful trip, and I cannot wait to go back soon :)

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