What if....

Wednesdays are really tough for me because it always marks another week that I am without my precious Allie. I had a crazy moment this past weekend. I guess anytime you are faced with a decision in life, whether its big or small, it provides you with the opportunity to second guess yourself. So this past weekend, that is exactly what I did. I was literally hysterical because I was so scared that we had made the wrong choices about Allie. All of the "What ifs????" were playing over and over in my head. I do believe that this is part of the process, but at the time it was hard for me to accept. Thankfully, I have an exceptionally wonderful husband. We have a great communication with one another, and he was there to listen, talk, and provide comfort for me until I returned to my senses. I was also able to communicate with some other T18 parents, and they all agreed that this was just part of the process. They stated that it is especially more common for mommies because we feel so responsible for our children's lives, and we think that we should be able to save them no matter what. From the help of Michael, the support group, the multitude of friends and family, and most importantly God, I was able to realize that all of our decisions for Allie were made with love and what we thought was the best for her. Michael, along with other friends and family, also reminded me that God's hand was in this from the beginning, and technically it never was our decision. If it had not been Allie's time, or if it had not been the right decision, then God would have led us in a different direction. I think that second guessing is normal, but I also think that it is something that can drive you insane if you let it consume you. Hopefully, I am allowed one crazy moment. I am so thankful to have God and a long line of family and friends to support me as I try to find my way on this new journey.