Bitter Sweet Moments

I am usually not one to procrastinate about things (I tend to leave that up to my husband because he is reeeeeeally good at it) :), but I have found myself doing exactly that this holiday season. For instance, my tree is usually up the day after Thanksgiving, but not this year. It has been like pulling teeth trying to decorate for Christmas. Michael and I were fully expecting the holidays to be tough, and Thanksgiving was our first set back. We held it together the best we could for all of the family gatherings, knowing good and well we were both dying inside, but wound up falling apart the week after. From there it only got worse. It didn't help that during all of these emotional valleys Mason had to be rushed to the E.R. to get staples in the top of his head due to a fall at daycare (which he got out today), I came down with bronchitis, and Michael discovered that he will need surgery to remove a cyst. It kind of felt like a "pile on" and I allowed myself to believe it also. The devil had me wrapped around his little finger again, and I have since been fighting hard to break loose from his grip. For some reason bad thoughts continue to seep through the cracks from time to time, even though I know how blessed I am. It is quite difficult to hold back all the thoughts of "what could have beens..." that are running through my head. We created some very precious memories last year with our Little Allie, and I am so grateful for those memories, but I also cannot stop longing to still have her with us this year. My head is filled with thoughts of how things "should" be: I should be Christmas shopping for two babies, I should have a little full of life one year old running around, I should be trying to keep all of the decorations out of reach, My house should be full of giggles and laughter of siblings playing (and a little fussing too), I should be buying coordinating Christmas outfits for Christmas card photos, I should...., I should..., I should..., but I'm not. Memories of last year have intensified these feelings, because who could have known that at Mason's birthday party last year we were only going to have a month left with our precious Angel. I tried to live every moment like it was her last, but you always feel like you could have done more. Needless to say, I have a bad case of the Holiday Blues, and my procrastination is because I know that pulling out all of those cherished treasures we created last year (that I'm so blessed to have) will be painful to see as well.