If I'd Only Known...

Dear Allie,
If I'd only known that this date last year would be your last birthday party, then I would have thrown a parade in your honor for the whole world to see.

If I'd only known that your first Christmas would also be your last Christmas, then I would have given you the North Pole.

If I'd only known that you would enter Heaven shortly after you entered a New Year, then I would have invited the President to meet the most amazing, precious, beautiful, adorable baby that ever existed.

If I'd only known that these would be my final moments to get my last photos of you, then I would have taken over a billion pictures and videoed every second of your life.

If I'd only known that I had less than a month to kiss you, then I would have kissed you without ceasing.

If I'd only known that you would soon be leaving my arms to be in the arms of Jesus, then I would have found a way to stop time so that I could hold you forever.

If I'd only known.

Love,
Mommy



It's been an emotional day today. Michael even tried getting me out of the house some to help, but unfortunately it didn't. My mind continued to drift away into the world of "what ifs", and my heart just ached. That horrible pain in the pit of my stomach was back and didn't want to leave. I wish she was here, because the holidays are not the same without her. There is an empty space under the tree where her presents should be, and a hole in our hearts that can never be filled. I did finally get my tree up, and I am glad that I did, because all of her ornaments and cherished treasures were too precious to keep hidden away in storage. It hurts some, but for the most part I do enjoy catching a glimpse of them from time to time. I apologize for being so gloomy today, but it was just one of those days that caught me by surprise. I knew from the moment I woke up, and didn't want to get out of bed, that it was going to be a tough one, and the day progressively worsened. I was uncontrollably sobbing by breakfast time, and I had many more to follow. I still count my blessings even though I have a tough day every now and then, because I cannot be more thankful for God giving me the blessing of actually having those precious memories and cherished treasures of her first Christmas. I hope all of your Holidays are filled with blessings as well.


P.S.
I finally added Mason's 4th Birthday photos to his birthday post. Just scroll back down a couple of posts and enjoy :)