Making it

Well, I did it. I somehow managed to survive my first week back in the real world. Of course, I was just visiting work this week, so I guess next week will be my true test. I absolutely could not have made it this week without the strength from God and everyone's uplifting prayers. Everyone was wonderful. They greeted me with quick hugs and briefly stated that they missed me or that they were glad to see me back. It was also great seeing all of my sweet students again, and I was so thankful they had a great sub that took care of them while I was away.

It was a good week, but I have to be honest, it did feel a little akward. Having Allie, changed my life in many ways. I have a completely different outlook on life because of her, and that is a good thing. With these new experiences comes difficulties as well. It is almost like I have to relearn how to be social, because it feels like I don't belong. I am now a member of a club that I never wanted to join, but I didn't have a choice so I have to learn how to make it a part of my life. I have already conquered many trials along the way. At first, just getting out of bed was an accomplishment. Then, getting past seeing her things lying around the house was another step. I would completely loose it, at first, when I found one of her tiny socks in the wash, or when I emptyied her syringes out of the dishwasher, or found a bottle in the car, or saw her lonely Boppy pillow that she always laid on while I was feeding her, or saw her favorite toy, or tripped over her swing that she loved, or walked past her empty room. Now, I am thankful to have them, still in their place, and I find comfort in seeing her things and remembering her with them. Just like with all of these other stages, I learned to take things one step, one phase, one moment, and one day at a time, and I will continue to do the same with God's strength.

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Re-entering the real world

Unfortunately, the world does not stop when you loose a loved one, even though you feel like your world has stopped turning. My dear friend Sherry told me that she realized, after losing her son, that the world keeps going whether you are a part of it or not. So, basically, you have a choice. Are you going move on with life or not? I choose life, because I have a three year old that cannot raise himself. He desperately needs his mommy to be able to love him, protect him, and care for him. So, yes, there are no ifs, ands, or buts about it~ I choose life, but lately I have had some apprehension about re-entering the real world. My time off is drawing to a close, and I have been very depressed about 'getting back in the swing of things'. Please don't get me wrong, I am grateful for all the time I had, and I realize that many don't even get that opportunity. I am also very fortunate to have had such a great support from co-workers. Teachers from all around donated time and days to me so that I could be with Allie. Is that not amazing how God's power works? I also miss seeing my sweet students, and I know that it will be nice to see all of my co-workers again, but it is difficult thinking of making that initial step. I think that the thought of getting back into a somewhat "normal" routine saddened me because, in a way, I thought it would mean that I was forgetting about Allie. That is not true at all. It's just life and that is what happens; your mind slowly starts to transition from always thinking of your tragedy to starting to think about your loss less and less. You learn to keep going, and you move on by going back to your routines, and that was scary to me. Finally, I came to the realizatoin that even though it may cause your mind to stay busy on other things instead of constantly on your loved ones, it never ever means that they will be forgotten. Allie is a part of me, and look what a huge impact she has made in this world. I don't ever have to worry about that precious little girl being forgotten. She will forever be remembered. Thanks to all who gave me the opportunity to have time with Allie, and please continue to pray that God will give me strength.

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Our mountain get-away

Yes, we are the crazy ones at the putt putt

in the cold and drizzly rain.

My boys showing off after sinking their putts.





Oh, the agony! That putt should have made it!

Such a cutie! Can't you see where our son gets his sweet smile from?

Our 'Little Tiger Woods'

Okay, we are not the only crazy ones.

His first train ride. Who cares if it was at a putt putt :)

Our visit to the aquarium.

Dudnt, Dudnt.....

He was just a blur running through this tunnel.

Yes, we are at another putt putt. He thought this was the only reason we went to the mountains. We took him three times, and I still don't think it was enough :) He loves it!

He has seen it all now.

Pigs can fly!

Enjoying God's beauty.

Deer playtime.

He loves the outdoors.

110% boy

Don't.....too late.

Peek-a-boo!

We got away this weekend to the mountains. It was a nice trip. I guess I had it in my head that this would be a 'cure all' trip, but that may not be possible right now. I had some very emotional moments while away. We received our first "Is this your only child?" question, and I simply replied, "No, we have two. Our daughter is in Heaven." Then, of course, they give you that pity look and tell you how sorry they are. I really didn't care if it made them feel uncomfortable, I was telling the truth. There was also a family staying at our hotel with a baby about Allie's age, and it was really difficult seeing them snuggling with the baby, playing with the baby in the pool, smooching on the baby, etc... I couldn't help but watch and envy. I was missing my sweet baby girl so bad, and I knew that she would have loved playing in the pool. I hated that she never got the chance to see the Great Smokey Mountains, but we did take her to many places and I am so thankful that we were given that time. I knew Saturday was going to be a tough day, and I was right. I think that it did help that we were able to get away. As you can see from the pictures, we were able to have a few moments of escape. It was nice being with my family and enjoying God's creation. Sorry for so many pictures, but I wanted to share each part of our trip with you guys. Thanks for all of the prayers and words of encouragement.

Love,

Susan

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Just feeling blue.

There are no other words, besides just feeling blue, to describe how we feel. Michael and I both have been struggling with our grief, and we are full of such sorrow. I have so much anxiety built up about this upcoming Saturday, because it will mark one month that I have not had my precious baby to hold in my arms and it will be the first Holiday that she has missed. Oh, I miss her so much, and it is so hard to explain how I even make it through each day. It is almost like my body is an empty shell, and my mind is someplace far away so I do not have to deal with the pain. I think God only allows the pain to come a little at a time, because I really don't believe we could survive if we felt it all at once. We are actually going to try get away this weekend. We think it will do us all some good to just get away from it all. Mason is excited, so I hope that it will be a good trip. Thank you for all of your uplifting messages and emails, and please continue to pray for our family.

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This is what Angels look like

I had to share this photo with you. A friend, who lost her son for unknown causes when he was 12 days old, created this image and emailed it to me. I thought that is was so sweet, and the title she used said it all. This really is what Angels looks like.

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Oh, to have such joy.

I have been so saddened by the fact that my three year old had to learn about the facts of life so young, but it has brought up some very intriuiging conversations. During nighttime prayer time, Allie is always at the top of his what I'm thanful for list. This, of course, gets his mind on Allie and the thoughts and questions usually start to flow like: When is Allie coming back?, I wanted to play with her, I miss her, etc... It is difficult, but I try my best to hold it all together for him and answer his questions. He doesn't understand everything, and sometimes we have to remind him of things, but I am completely amazed at the wonderful comprehensive conversations I have been able to have with my THREE year old about Heaven and God. I love the fact that he is so curious and feels so comfortable expressing his feelings to his dad and me. The other night when we were saying our prayers, Mason started talking about Allie again. He expressed how much he missed her and that he wished she was here, and then he asked, "Why did the Lord take her? I didn't want the Lord to take her." My heart hurt for him. My husband and I both tried to gather ourselves and then explained that the Lord did not take Allie. We talked about how Allie's body didn't work, and we talked about getting to go to Heaven, and then we talked about how wonderful Heaven is. By this time Mason was so excited he was squeeling. With the biggest smile on his face he said, "I'm going to get to go to Heaven one day! I will get to see Allie, and she is going to say, 'There's my brudder!', and she will be so happy! She will get to run and play with me because she will be perfect!" Through our tears we hugged him and sobbed, "That's right, that's right Little Man." Later, when I had time to look back on that wonderful moment with my son, I thought to myself, Oh, if we could all have such joy about Heaven.

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What if....

Wednesdays are really tough for me because it always marks another week that I am without my precious Allie. I had a crazy moment this past weekend. I guess anytime you are faced with a decision in life, whether its big or small, it provides you with the opportunity to second guess yourself. So this past weekend, that is exactly what I did. I was literally hysterical because I was so scared that we had made the wrong choices about Allie. All of the "What ifs????" were playing over and over in my head. I do believe that this is part of the process, but at the time it was hard for me to accept. Thankfully, I have an exceptionally wonderful husband. We have a great communication with one another, and he was there to listen, talk, and provide comfort for me until I returned to my senses. I was also able to communicate with some other T18 parents, and they all agreed that this was just part of the process. They stated that it is especially more common for mommies because we feel so responsible for our children's lives, and we think that we should be able to save them no matter what. From the help of Michael, the support group, the multitude of friends and family, and most importantly God, I was able to realize that all of our decisions for Allie were made with love and what we thought was the best for her. Michael, along with other friends and family, also reminded me that God's hand was in this from the beginning, and technically it never was our decision. If it had not been Allie's time, or if it had not been the right decision, then God would have led us in a different direction. I think that second guessing is normal, but I also think that it is something that can drive you insane if you let it consume you. Hopefully, I am allowed one crazy moment. I am so thankful to have God and a long line of family and friends to support me as I try to find my way on this new journey.

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