Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Rest in Peace

Today was filled with mixed emotions because Allie's marker was put into place. What do you guys think? Isn't it just precious? I don't think it could have turned out any more perfect. I am not sure if you can tell in the pictures or not, but the butterflies and flowers are different shades of purple. Her sweet little angel foot marker puts a smile on my face, and that is exactly what I was looking for. Miller's Monuments was absolutely fabulous! They were so sweet and thoughtful. We know that alot of TLC went into her marker. We love that we have this for her now, and the only thing left is to put down the sod and get some flowers for her vase. At the same time I am filled with sadness because it makes everything so final. It is at times like this when my life feels so surreal, and I think to myself, "Is this really my life? Did I really lose my baby?, etc.." She was one special little girl, and I think her headstone fits the part.

Isn't her Little Foot Marker Just Too Cute!


Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Can't thank you enough

I cannot thank everyone enough for all of your support and encouraging words. It is always scary putting your feelings out there for the world to see, but everyone's posts were so comforting. It sounds silly, I know, to say that getting it out makes me feel better, but it does. Writing about my thoughts is so much easier for me than talking with someone about my feelings. Thank you again for continuing to pray. It means more to me than you will ever know.

Sending lots of love to everyone!!!!!!!


Monday, April 27, 2009

The Good, the Bad, and the Just Plain Ol' UGLY!

The Good:
Well, I am back from my week long trip. Wow, I was surprised to see all of my new bloggy followers. I cannot believe I am up to 30 now. Welcome everyone, and thank you for following our journey. As most of you know I have been out of town for a week on a school field trip. We went to a very magical place. Can you guess where it is? I'll give you a hint:

If you guessed Alabama Adventures, then I'm sorry you are wrong :) It was Disney World! It was really a great trip. I had never been, and it was truly an amazing experience. Now you do have to know that I am not a rollercoaster kind of gal, but I was trying to be strong for the students. The first rollercoaster that they convinced me to ride was the Rockin' Roller Coaster. I specifically asked if there were any upside down loops, and they proceeded to explain to me that it was just fast and only had three small corkscrews at the beginning. I thought to myself, okay I can handle this. Well, if you have ever been to Disney World and rode the Rockin' Roller Coaster, then you know that they LIED! I strapped myself in next to one of the students, who had also never ridden the ride, and the coaster took off at lighting speed (0-60 in 2.5 seconds). Yeah, I thought I was going to die! The entire time I was holding on for dear life I was saying over and over in my head "Try to be the adult, try to be the adult, try to be the adult!" but of course, the child loved every minute of it. I did not ride another roller coaster until we went to Magic Kingdom and found Thunder Mountain. If you have ever been to Six Flags, then you can compare Thunder Mountain to the Run-Away Mine Train. I called Michael with excitement and told him that I had found my park! Magic Kingdom has all of the kiddy rides :) It was a good trip, and I cannot wait to go back with my family.

The Bad:

Even though it was a nice trip, I was upset that my family wasn't there. I missed them terribly, and I don't think that it was a good idea to be away from them yet. Along with this and a few other issues I had to deal with on the trip, I realized that I was not emotionally stable enough to deal with certain situations. Therefore, bringing us to the down right UGLY part of my story.

The Just Plain Ol' UGLY:

I am not sure if the trip actually triggered alot of these emotions or if it was just time for my next wave of depression, but after my return home, I had what I would consider to be my worst meltdown so far. I am not sure why, but I have kept many of these emotions hidden from just about everyone except Michael. I am sharing them now in hopes of helping others that may be facing the same situation and to maybe help myself as well. For some reason I want everyone to believe that I am okay. I cannot tell you why I do this. I don't know if it is a normal part of grieving or if it is just my personality. Anyway, I have kept alot of emotion inside. As many of you know from prievious post, I have also beat myself up about many of the what ifs... with Allie. Even though I know in my heart that I did everything that I could for my sweet Allie, but I keep going back over all of the dreaded flashbacks and questioning what I could have done differently. I was having a hard time before I left on my trip, but I had gotten better right before I left. I am sorry that I did not post about these feelings, but like I said, for some reason I was scared to share these feelings. I thought that I had too many gloomy posts so I tried to find little highlights to share with everyone instead. Now that you have a little background lets get to the meltdown. My return on Friday was terrific! I don't think I could have gotten bigger squeezes from my boys, and my Little Man was a mommy leech the rest of the day. I could not have been happier! When I woke up Saturday, I felt as though my world was crashing in. I was in a very scary place with my grief. Little did I know that my sweet hubby was also headed downhill from all of the built up stress from the previous week of me being gone. Please know that now tiny things are no longer tiny. Everything is huge and too overwhelming to deal with. Therefore, once he started getting short with me just a little, I lost control. There was so much saddness that needed to get out of my poor little greif-stricken body. I didn't think that I was ever going to be able to gain enough control to stop crying. I wept for two days. All of the flashbacks returned, and I was flooded with memories of watching my poor innocent baby suffer. I went back to beating myself up about every decision that was made, and the horrible realization that I would never ,ever, ever, ever get see or hold my precious Angel again this side of Heaven hit me like a ton of bricks. I was devastated, hurt, depressed, and in need of some help. Thankfully, I have the best husband in the world to come to my rescue. We have always had a great line of communication between us, and even though we still have our small moments of stress, Allie has caused our relationship to grow even stronger. We talked, and cried (well, I cried), and prayed, and I cried some more, and we finally made it through. I feel like a new person today, and I am so thankful that I have a loving husband, a wonderful God, and a great support from family and friends. I hope that this message helps others to know that it is okay to talk about your feelings (even the UGLY ones). Please continue to pray for my family, because even after three months I've realized that we can still have our break down moments. I appreciate all you have done, and please continue to pray for all of the others on my prayer list as well: Jim Murrell, Annabel, Brianna, Stellan, and all of the other T18 babies. Thank you again.


Monday, April 20, 2009

Sending an 8th month birthday wish to Heaven

This will be a very brief post because I am headed to bed late only to wake up in a couple of hours to leave for my trip (It was difficult trying to get everything packed for my trip, have everything squared away with my boys, and dodge the tornadoes). I wanted to wish my sweet Angel in Heaven a Happy 8th month Birthday! Always thinking of you Allie, and missing you with every second. You have to read the sweet comment left on yesterday's post that Cathy (Annabel's mommy) wrote about Allie. It is the most precious thing that anyone could ever say about her. I head out tomorrow with my students on our trip, so remember to pray for the boys while I am away :) I will post more when I return. Thanks to everyone for your prayers, and remember to keep praying for Annabel and Brianna.


Friday, April 17, 2009

Another little one that is in need of prayers

Please pray for Annabel. Her mother was such a big help to me while Allie was alive. Her little girl is four years old and has full T18, but has recently been under the weather. Her health has been slowly declining, and the doctors are having trouble figuring out what is causing her most recent complications. They are not sure if it is viral or bacterial, but Annabel is not doing well. This is such a precious child who is desperately in need of our prayers. If you would, please pray for this sweet baby. Thank you so much. Her blog is down on the right column: By God's Grace


Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Thinking of Allie

This will be a short post to acknowledge that I was thinking of my little angel on her three month angel day anniversary. This should have been posted yesterday, but I was feeling too blue to even get on the computer. I even went to bed early. Still having a tough day today. Thanks to everyone that had me in their thoughts and prayers yesterday. I will be out of town next week on a field trip with my students, without my sweet hubby and adorable son, so you might want to have them in your prayers :) I will try to post soon when I return. Thank you again for helping me through each step.


Monday, April 13, 2009

Happy Easter

I hope you all had a glorious Easter. Sunday turned out to be such a beautiful day in our area. I wanted to share our Easter photos with you guys. Sorry there's so many, but as you can tell I love to take pictures! I'll try to get better :) "Little man" had a blast hunting eggs. He kept wanting them to be hidden over and over and over again. By the end it was getting rather difficult to trick him. We have to always include our "Little Angel" in the holidays as well, so we usually decorate her grave site. This time we wanted to add a little something extra. We placed three special eggs inside her Easter basket that included a special message from each of us. It was very emotional and touching. We just want to make sure that she stays a part of our lives because she is so very precious to us and we miss her dearly. I have to admit that Easter was a tough one for me because I had imagined her being here to celebrate with us and getting to wear her first Easter dress and everything, but instead I had to send an Easter basket to Heaven along with some butterfly kisses. Thanks for all of the prayers that continue to get us through.


Friday, April 10, 2009

Please join me in prayer

Please join me in praying for this sweet little girl. She was born with Full T18 and will be turning 2 years old this Sunday. All I know is that she was recently sick with the typical cold stuff, and drastically took a turn for the worse. For more updates you can visit her blog at: Thank you so much for your help. These precious babies need all of the prayers they can get.


Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Air Show

This past Saturday we went to the Air Show with some friends. We had a blast and got to see a really awesome show. It was a long day, but the joy in the kids faces made it all worth it. I was reminded the next few days that I turned 30 though. :)


  © Blogger templates The Professional Template by 2008

Back to TOP